A Cancer Journal

Canada Remembers

2011-11-10T08:37:00.000-08:00

11 - 11 - 11

World War I was finally brought to an end with the signing of an armistice on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of 1918. On November 11, 1918, 93 years ago, the "war to end all wars" was over. The 4 years of brutal fighting claimed over 20 million lives, about half of which were civilians, and brought an end to the German, Russian, Ottoman, and Austro-Hungarian Empires.

The Fallen

For 91 years we have marked November 11th as a day to remember those who have lost their lives in military service and to reflect on the continued presence of war in our world. This year we particularly remember those Canadians who have died in action since last Remembrance Day.

Corporal Steve Martin
Corporal Yannick Scherrer
Bombardier Karl Manning
Master Corporal Francis Roy
Master Corporal Byron Greff
(from CBC "In the Line of Duty")

---------------------

They shall grow not old,

as we that are left grow old:

age shall not weary them,

nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun

and in the morning

we will remember them...

Mount Royal Kantorei - The Kontakion - from Kantorei on Vimeo.

"Give rest unto your servants with your saints
O God, Give rest, Give rest.
Where there is neither pain nor sorrow
Neither sighing but life everlasting."

A Musical Blessing: "Kontakion" by Rupert Lang

Hope

And still, we long and pray for peace in our day...

Amabile Boys Choir (Canada)

1- 'Peace Drum Song', Will Schmid

'Peace, bring us peace. Peace, bring peace.

Feel the heartbeat. Peace, understanding, hope to all.

Bring peace, blessed peace'.
2- 'Oseh Shalom', traditional Jewish prayer.

'May the One who causes peace to reign

in the high heavens, have peace descend upon us

...and let us say: Amen'.

Lest we forget, Lest we forget... Rob; in Vancouver

Rob on the Radio

2011-09-01T14:15:00.000-07:00

Mark Forsythe - BC Almanac

Last week I was a guest on CBC Radio's noon hour show "BC Almanac", with host Mark Forsythe. The topic of conversation was "The Language of Cancer", inspired in part by the recent cancer death of NDP leader Jack Layton. We were particularly speaking about the use of "battle" type metaphors when referring to the cancer experience.

I was on-air for about 20 minutes. The opening part is a conversation with Mark and the second half is a call-in format. You can listen to the show at this link... Rob on CBC Almanac. My piece starts at about 20:19 in the podcast.

It was a wonderful experience to be able to speak on a matter which is so close to my heart. Mark is a skilled interviewer and an easy guy to have a conversation with.

Be well enough... Rob; in Vancouver

"Use what language you will,

you can never say anything but what you are."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Keeping Our Fingers Crossed!

2011-06-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

Chemo Radiation Finished!

I've just finished the last of 25 treatments of radiation for a final delivered dose of 4500 centiGrays of absorbed radiation. With the end of radiation I am also finished the side program of chemotherapy. The radiation effects continue for the next several weeks but I should start feeling better tomorrow now that the daily chemo is finished. My radiation oncologist says that now we "keep our fingers crossed".

Dr. Paul Klimo Retires

It is fitting that as I finish this last round of treatment my principal oncologist of the last seven years, Dr. Paul Klimo, works his last day. He is moving into a very well earned retirement. He will be missed by his many cancer patients on the Northshore and throughout BC. I will personally miss him very much. He has been a steady presence to me throughout this journey and I shall miss his compassionate and competent care.

Seven Year Journey

Here is a quick look at this cancer journey so far, by the numbers...

7 Years of living with stage 4 colon cancer.
5 major operations involving about...
45 Hours of surgery, and...
100 Days and nights in hospital.
40 Treatments of radiation.
100 Weeks of chemotherapy.
6 Weeks of intense rehabilitative therapy.
5 Pet scans.
5 MRI and/or Bone scans.
10 Chest X-rays.
20 CT scans.
100+ Blood tests.
20+ Doctors: GPs, oncologists, surgeons, physiatrists, urologists, etc.
50+ Lab techs, radiation techs, physio-therapists, occupational therapists, etc.
200+ Nurses: chemo nurses, O/R nurses, homecare nurses, etc.
7 Years of living with cancer.
2,500 Days of prayer and hope.
60,000+ Hours of Living FULLY... with fingers crossed!

All I can say is "Thank God for Medi-care". And Thank God for the awesome community of colleagues, family, and friends who have walked with us every step of the way. I cannot imagine enduring the trials of this journey without you all. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

With the completion of this program I am now finished all of the treatments related to my most recent recurrence. I will update this blog periodically as any new information becomes available. But for now it is mostly a focus on recovery.

The Underwear Affair 2011

Pam and I are again joining with others to participate in "The Underwear Affair". This is a BC Cancer Foundation fund-raiser to raise funds and awareness for cancers that "hit below the belt". "Bringing awareness to down there-ness" is the theme. The options are a 10k run or a 5k walk. Pam and I will be doing the 5k walk and are walking to raise a few thousand dollars between us. Please sponsor either one of us with a donation if you are able to.

For information and pictures of last year's event click here.

Thank You!

Peace and blessings... Rob; in Vancouver

"Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but rather,

of playing a bad hand well!"

Robert Louis Stevenson

"The Underwear Affair" 2010

Still Some Work to Do...

2011-05-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

I have been enjoying a time of convalescence at home since my discharge from G.F. Strong in mid-April. With the holiday of Easter and a delightful visit from Robyn, Brandon, and baby Jordan, not to mention the reading of copious quantities of fiction, I have hardly found a moment to do any "blogging". I have also been waiting for some definitive direction to be determined with respect to my ongoing cancer journey. With such direction now clear it seems like a good time to issue a "health update".

Surgical Recovery and Mobility

I have continued to make great strides in my recovery from February's surgery. I am now walking comfortably with one cane and able to cover 1-2 km. in an outing. The pace is somewhat slower than I would like but is improving. I hope to be able to walk in the 5 km "Underwear Affair" walk in late-July. Or at least half of it.

All wounds associated with the surgery are now well healed. There was a pesky little portion on my lower back that was slow to heal but is now fully closed and looking good. My general, neuro-spinal, and plastic surgeon's are all very well pleased with my recovery thus far.

Cancer Status

One of the big questions of course is "what of the cancer?" Did they get it all?

I must preface the answer to this question with the sober realization that there is rarely any "unambiguously good news" for the metastatic colon cancer survivor. Most of the great gains I have made in this 7 year journey have been tempered by the reality that stage 4 colon cancer is a very slippery and persistent disease, recurrences are common. A "wait and see" attitude is often prescribed.

That being said, the news form my surgery is very good indeed. The goal of the surgery was to achieve a complete "en bloc" resection of the sacral tumour and all of the associated soft-tissue cancer with clear margins all around. The pathology reports do indicate that this was achieved. YEAH!

HOWEVER... some of the sacral margins are only "marginally clear". There is a section along the right side of the sacrum where the cancer was within a few millimetres of the surgical margin. My spinal surgeon was concerned about this and referred me to the radiation department. The radiation oncologist explained that they tend to treat such margins as though they were "not clear". They reviewed my previous (Oct. 2009) radiation report, CT scanned my pelvis, and concluded that a program of radiation would help to reduce the possibility of recurrences along the surgical margin in question. They further advised that this particular radiation treatment was made more effective by the concurrent administration of chemotherapy with capcitabine (aka Xeloda). My own oncologist has concurred with the recommendation of this approach.

Radiation and Chemo

SO... I will begin a 5 week program of radiation and chemo this coming Wednesday, May 25. The radiation will be the same dose I received back in 2009, administered over 25 treatment sessions rather than 15, meaning a much lower daily dose. Side-effects will include fatigue.

The chemo program is intended to augment the radiation. Xeloda is an orally administered version of the standard colon cancer chemo drug fluorouracil or 5FU. I had this same drug back in 2007. Side-effects include the standard nausea, fatigue, and reduced blood counts as well hand/foot rashes and mouth sores with prolonged usage.

With both the radiation and the chemo, the side-effects are cumulative and tend to be worse in the later stages of the program. If the chemo side-effects become too bad we will reduce or eliminate the chemo dose.

So basically I am hunkering down for 5 weeks of a daily grind of radiation and chemo. With luck I will be finished before the July 1st, Canada Day weekend and free from there on to enjoy the great Canadian summer!

After that... we will "wait and see"...

TTFN... Rob; in Vancouver

"The dream of wellness sustained me throughout the reality of the treatment."

Vickie Girard

It's a Girl!

2011-04-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

Jordan Jeanette Fentie

b. March 31, 2011

7lbs 6oz

Mother and Daughter

Brandon, Robyn, and Jordan Jeanette

Jordan is derived from the Hebrew yarden (to flow down, descend). The name is that of the chief river of Palestine, in which Jesus was baptized. Jordan originated as a given name in the Middle Ages, being bestowed upon those baptized in holy water said to be taken from the Jordan River. Jordan was one of the top names on Robyn and Brandon's "Girl Names" list. They settled on it after the birth seeing that it was the name that best fit their new baby.

Jeanette is a female name, a diminutive form of the name Jeanne. Other variations are Janette and Janet. The name is derived from the Hebrew "God is gracious". Jeanette was chosen as a tribute to Grandmother's Jean and Janet. What a great way to carry names and memories into the future!

Jordan was delivered at 12:08pm after Robyn and Brandon arrived at the hospital at 11:30am! Phew! What a close call!

Jordan Jeanette Fentie
b. March 31, 2011

___________________________

Weekend Pass

I'm home from the Rehab Hospital on a full weekend pass, which means I am able to stay home overnight on both Friday and Saturday nights. What a treat to sleep in my own bed with Grandma!

I continue to make good progress and am now maneuvering indoor spaces with the aid of one cane (right hand to support left leg). I'm still using the 4-wheeled walker for outdoor strolling.

I had visits with all three of my surgeons this past week (General, Plastic, and Neuro/Spinal). They are all pleased with my progress and see no particular problems. Next on the agenda is a visit to the Cancer Agency to determine more definitively if there is any residual cancer left in the sacrum and whether or not radiation is advisable if there is, or even if there isn't. I'll also be following up with my regular oncologist.

I'm scheduled to finish my rehab program on April 19th. I'll be home after that and following an ongoing physio regimen as an "out-patient". My physio-therapist is setting up a program that will include work-outs at my local community centre.

That's all folks!

Rob; in Vancouver

"A new baby is like the beginning of all things -

Wonder, Hope, a dream of possibilities."

Edna J. Le Shan

Rob in Rehab!

2011-03-12T15:48:00.000-08:00

Greetings Family and Friends, Far and Wide!

In the past week I have been transferred from Vancouver General Hospital to G.F. Strong Rehab Centre. This is a significant move and indicates that I am sufficiently healed from the surgery so as to be ready for a rehab program. G.F. Strong is a residential rehabilitation facility where people, like myself, with spinal, neurological, muscular, or skeletal injuries go through intense therapy towards regaining as much function as possible. Rehab programs may be from 6 weeks to 3 months depending on the nature of the injury.

A look at my Thursday schedule will give you a snapshot view of the kind of rehab therapy that happens at G.F. Strong.

08:00 Breakfast
08:45 W.O.W. : Walk on Ward (15 minutes)
09:30 Dressing Change and Doctor Consultation
10:00 Physio-Therapy (30 minutes)
10:30 Home visit with Occupational Therapist (2 hrs)
12:30 Lunch
13:00 Meeting with Social Worker (1hour)
15:00 Doctor Consultation (30 minutes)
15:30 Physio-Therapy (30 minutes)
17:00 Supper
17:30 Taoist Tai Chi (1 hour): Optional Program

Thursday was a little busier than a typical day but it does give you an idea of the range of of activities and programs that I am engaged in.

The Rehab Centre is staffed by a wonderful team of therapists, nurses, doctors, social workers, dieticians, care aides, and support staff who work together in a well coordinated, integrated approach. I have both an Occupational Therapist and a Physio-Therapist who will work with me for about an hour each day during the course of my program.

Whereas in many medical institutions you feel like an anonymous number, at G.F. Strong you feel like the staff are honestly getting to know you. This "patient centered", personal, and holistic approach is essential if true healing and wellness are to be realized. I feel very fortunate to have this type of rehabilitation available to me.

Getting Around

I took my first steps last week and have been walking for short distances with a walker every day. I have significant "nerve pain" in my left leg which limits the amount of walking I can do at this time. Yesterday I was only able to walk for 4 minutes before the pain in my calf did me in. In the meantime I mostly get around in a wheelchair, in which I am becoming more proficient each day. I am most grateful for the memories of my paraplegic Aunt Shirley McFeat who I am reminded of daily.

Home Visits

One great advantage to being at G.F. Strong is the benefit of being able to go on home visits. I am home on a day pass today (Saturday) and will be home again tomorrow. Next weekend I hope to be able to stay Saturday night at home as well! What a delight it is to be home. And so much easier for Pam too! I hope to be able to come home each weekend while I am in the residential program.

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

Pam and the Girls and I can not say or do enough to express our thanks for the many cards, notes, prayers, and expressions of love and good will we have received from so many family, friends, and colleagues. We truly do feel held in the midst of a large community of caring and support.

Peace and blessings... Rob; in Vancouver

“I wake each morning with the thrill of expectation

and the joy of being alive. And I'm thankful for this day.”

Angela L. Wozniak

Surgery Prep Day

2011-02-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

Today marks the day of final surgery preparation. Tomorrow morning I'll be admitted to Vancouver General Hospital for the sacral resection surgery. I will be in the hospital for at least 2 weeks. It could be longer depending on complications and mobility issues.

The highlight of the preparation day is the bowel cleansing procedure which will start later this morning (never my favourite part!). New to the pre-admission procedures is the requirement for a full body "skin cleanse" with an anti-biotic soap. This is to prevent the spread of disease resistant MRSA and other "super-bugs". I'll do one skin treatment tonight and another tomorrow morning at the hospital. My diet for the day will be clear fluids only.

New MRI

I had a detailed MRI on Monday so the ortho/neuro surgeons will have an up-to-date picture of my sacrum going into the procedure. I am most appreciative of this since it means they will be able to refine their approach based on current conditions rather than guessing where the cancer is. The objective will be to retain as much healthy bone tissue as possible, while ensuring that the cancer is all resected.

Post-Surgery Update

Kelly will write an e-mail note on Saturday or Sunday to let family, friends, and colleagues know how the surgery went. I'll also ask her to post something to my Facebook wall. It is a 2-day procedure and I understand that they will keep me asleep through the intervening night. They will also keep me asleep for sometime after the procedure. It may be Saturday before I'm revived.

Many Thanks

I am again overwhelmed with the depth of care and support which we have received from family friends and colleagues. I have received hundreds of notes over the past week. I have not been able to respond to them all yet but I'll try to finish today. It truly leaves us with the sense that "we are not alone"! Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

I will not be posting here until I am out of the hospital.

Peace and blessings... Rob; in Vancouver

"Life is not a matter of holding good cards,

but rather, of playing a bad hand well!"

Robert Louis Stevenson

Surgery Date Set

2011-01-24T13:03:00.000-08:00

February 3 & 4, 2011

Further to my last post, I have now been approved and scheduled for the sacral resection surgery. The surgery will take place over two days on Thursday and Friday, February 3 and 4. Overall surgery time is often over 12 hours so they have recently broken the procedure into a 2-stage approach.

Day 1: Anterior Incision

On the first day the procedure will involve a removal of the rectum and any other cancerous soft tissue from within the pelvic cavity. I will be fitted with a colostomy at this time. In preparation for the second day, the arteries feeding the sacrum will be clamped off and a "flap" of abdominal muscle will be cut to eventually fill the void created when the sacrum is removed. I'll go into recovery following this procedure.

Day 2: Posterior Incision

On the second day the orthopaedic surgeons will perform an en bloc resection of my sacrum. The intent of this procedure is to fully remove all of the sacral tumour, leaving clear margins all around. In my case it will be a "sub-total resection". Most of the S1 vertebrae will be retained, which should preserve the structural integrity of the pelvic girdle and spine.

Recovery

I'm scheduled for the hospital for 2 weeks. Whether it takes longer will depend on the surgical outcome, complications, and mobility issues.

Future Mobility

I have been told that the left sciatic nerve will be lost in the surgery and that I could be "wheelchair bound". Having spent much time with my dear paraplegic Aunt Shirley, I have very few qualms about this. We really won't know what mobility issues there are until after the post-op assessment.

I will have a few appointments with various doctors and clinics over the next week as I get ready for the surgery.

Curative vs Palliative

Cancer treatment is often classified as either "curative" or "palliative" depending on whether the intent is to eliminate the cancer and cure the patient or to alleviate symptoms and provide comfort. I've been told that there is not a large enough "population" of this particular procedure to deem it curative. But there is no doubt that "cure" is the intent of the doctors performing the surgery and of us going into it. We would not undertake a procedure of this scale if there were not a reasonable hope of a curative outcome.

That said, we will not know for several months as to whether the operation successfully excised all of the sacral tumour or not.

That is about it. We are of course very excited and hopeful. But not without some trepidation on my part! We have the best of surgical teams and are in good hands. We will do what we have done for the last 6 years, forge ahead and hope for the best.

By for now...

Rob; in Vancouver

A Glimmer of Hope

2010-12-23T03:06:00.001-08:00

It is early in the morning on December 23, 2010. I should be sleeping but am awake with excitement. Today was a "full energy" day. This morning Morgan and I did the big grocery shopping for Robyn's Christmas Eve Birthday Party and our Christmas Day Feast. I spent the afternoon making lasagna for the birthday party from a traditional family recipe handed down from my Dad. Yummy! This evening Jerome and Kelly visited for dinner and a Christmas movie ("Christmas Vacation" with Chevy Chase). They are just back from Jerome's home in Hazelton so there was much to catch up on. Jerome has wonderful work as a teaching assistant and basketball coach in the Hazelton School District.

It feels good to have gotten so much done and it leaves tomorrow totally free. Alas, I will probably sleep most of it away now that I have surrendered much of this night to insomnia!

"The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight..."

Wow, does this ever seem to be the way it is with me this Christmas. So many hopes and fears converging. My situation seems outwardly dire. My level of medical care is "palliative". I'm living with an indwelling catheter, managing bowel incontinence with "Depends", walking with the help of a cane, and bearing this "pain-in-the-ass" cancer with ever increasing doses of Morphine and its various derivatives. I'm living through what, in most likelihood, is the terminal stage of a cancer against which I have never really had more than a "faint hope". Fear abounds!

And yet I do remain hopeful. Not just hopeful of a dignified death and an ongoing existence of wholeness and bliss beyond the grave (much as this is!), but hopeful of an ongoing life of joyous love and faithful living in this plane of space/time existence. Perhaps I am just having another late-night experience of one of morphines beloved side effects - an exaggerated sense of well-being!

A Glimmer of Hope.

At present I am undergoing a series of scans (CT, PET, MRI) which will be evaluated by a local surgical team to see if I might be a candidate for a "sacral resection". A sacral resection is a significant surgical procedure which sees the collaboration of orthopaedic and general surgeons in the removal of all or part of the sacrum and all of the soft-tissue cancer in the pelvic region. The sacrum is then reconstructed using artificial bone and steel and permanent incontinence is resolved with a colostomy and permanent urinary catheter.

To be eligible for this extensive procedure it must be shown firstly, that I am free of other metastacies; secondly, that the cancer is not spreading up the spinal nerve sheath; and thirdly, that a viable orthopaedic reconstruction option exists given the extent of cancerous bone that would need to be removed. This is indeed a lot to ask.

I've been aware of this option for sometime but only began to pursue it this Fall when it became clear that the chemotherapy was losing its grip on the cancer. I've been consulting various doctors at the BC Cancer Agency and BC Spinal Centre for the last month or two. Not all have been encouraging. It is now getting down to the nitty gritty! I've had the CT scan and am scheduled for the PET scan in early January. An MRI is pending too. Soon I hope!

"Delusion of Repreive"

Thanks to my friend Peter Alexcee I have been reading Viktor Frankl's classic work "Man's Search for Meaning". Frankl, a holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, uses the term "delusion of reprieve" to describe the belief that many death camp prisoners held that they would be saved, rescued, or otherwise redeemed from their mostly inevitable death. "In psychiatry there is a certain condition known as delusion of reprieve. The condemned man, immediately before his execution, gets the illusion that he might be reprieved at the very last minute." Viktor Frankl

I don't think that there is any doubt that late-stage cancer survivors can experience this phenomenon. There is always one more drug, one more surgical procedure, one more clinical trial, or one more exotic alternative that is finally going to rid us of this dread disease and allow us to return to the lives we had before, or even better lives! From the perspective of survival this is actually not a bad outlook to have.

Perhaps this then is the cause of my tragic optimism at this late stage of my cancer journey, a "delusion of reprieve". And yet! My basis for hope in this plane of existence is rooted and grounded in a very real and tangible possibility. Or perhaps my doctors are indeed collaborators in my "delusion of reprieve"! We all want to believe that "cancer can be beaten"!

Even beyond this particularly hopeful possibility there are a number of other options that offer hope of some life extension and much life enhancement. All shall soon be revealed.

As I took out the Christmas decorations this year I distinctly remembered putting them away last year and doubting at that time that I would be here now to enjoy another Christmas season. And yet here I am. So enjoy it I will!!

Do have yourself a very Merry Christmas... Love Rob; in Vancouver

O holy Child of Bethlehem, descend to us, we pray;
Cast out our sin, and enter in, be born in us today.
We hear the Christmas angels the great glad tidings tell;
O come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel!

Pollock Family Christmas

2010-12-14T09:29:00.000-08:00

Most of my "Christmas Blogging" will continue at "Pollock Family Christmas", where all friends are warmly welcome to join us for carols, stories, and Christmas cheer! Health updates and cancer reflections will continue to be posted here.

Merry Christmas... Rob; in Vancouver

"May the spirit of Christmas bring you peace,

The gladness of Christmas give you hope,

The warmth of Christmas grant you love."

Thomas Merton

2010-12-10T11:41:00.000-08:00

Thomas Merton

January 31, 1915 - December 10, 1968

On December 10, 1968 Thomas Merton died of an accidental electric shock from a faulty electric fan in his cottage at the Red Cross Conference Center in Samut Prakan, Thailand. Merton had presented a paper at a conference of monastics that morning.

I engaged in an imaginative pilgrimage with Thomas Merton two years ago as I marked the 40 year anniversary of his journey to India, Sri Lanka, and Thailand. I followed his journey, and his journals, from day-to-day and posted reflections, historic pieces, and samples of Merton's thought and writing to "Merton in Asia". This blog continues to exist and remains a worthwhile exploration for those interested in Merton's life and thought, particularly as it emerged from the 60's context and in its continuing significance.

Why Merton?

Some will ask... "Why Merton?" I addressed this question in the early stages of my virtual pilgrimage with Merton and summarized it in terms of his significant contributions in the areas of:

These remain areas of vital importance today as people of faith struggle to find an authentic spirituality that has relevance for the significant challenges we continue to face as a people on this increasingly threatened planet. Merton's insightful critique of contemporary culture, his passion for the earth and all its inhabitants, his willingness to embrace others of diverse religious traditions, his deeply non-violent approach, and his own rootedness in his Christian spiritual tradition continue to make him a uniquely gifted voice in the world of contemplation and action.

Merton wrote against the backdrop of the turbulent 60's. 1968, the year of his death, was considered to be a particularly significant year, Merton described it as a "beast of a year!". The issues arising in that time remain the significant issue that we face as a human community today. Merton's voice continues to challenge us to wake from our slumbers, to turn from our idols and illusions, and to love our neighbours in truth and in deed.

May it be so... Rob; in Vancouver

“The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another.”
Thomas Merton

Highlights from "Merton in Asia"

"Happy Christmas" - John Lennon

2010-12-08T08:34:00.001-08:00

John Lennon was shot and killed on December 8, 1980 outside of his Central Park home in New York. I remember hearing the news the following morning in northern BC where I was working as a timber cruiser. I was on my way to pick up my friend Gary to head into the mountains for a day of work. We were both Beatles fans and deeply saddened both by the loss of a great musician and the silencing of a prophetic voice.

John and Yoko released this classic Christmas song as a protest song against the Vietnam War. It has become a Christmas favorite. It is wonderful in this video to see the faces of the children who sing the beautiful chorus pieces. The kids are from the Harlem Community Choir.

Happy Christmas!!

A Good Day

2010-11-25T08:03:00.000-08:00

Enjoy this short meditation on gratefulness from Brother David Steindl-Rast. Visit David and learn more about the practice of gratitude at www.gratefulness.org.

Have “A Good Day”!! Rob; in Vancouver

“Love wholeheartedly, be surprised,
give thanks and praise,

then you will discover the fullness of your life.”

Brother David Steindl-Rast

Well Enough!

2010-11-19T15:10:00.000-08:00

Most cancer survivors are familiar with the inevitable "How are you?" question from family and friends. It is innocuous enough in most instances but can become challenging when it can't be answered with the obligatory "I'm Fine".

For the most part we have reduced "How are you?" down to a rather meaningless greeting. It fits in very nicely with "Hi!" as in "Hi! How are you?". Likewise, the response has mostly been reduced down to a meaningless "Fine", or perhaps the lengthier version "I'm doing good", whether or not we happen to be "fine" or "good" at all.

Ah... but for the cancer patient, and their circle of friends and family, this becomes a much richer exchange. To begin with, the friend comes with a genuine curiosity, heartfelt care and concern. They earnestly want to know "how you are", and equally earnestly want to hear that "you are well". Family and friends are our strongest hope bearers. They want us to be well, and if they could will it, we would all be well. There is no stronger healing power in the world than the love and prayers of family and friends!

Be that as it may, the problem arises on those, not infrequent, occasions when we are not feeling "fine", "well", or "good". For myself, I wonder "How much do I say?" My experience has been that people's eyes often begin to glaze over when I launch into a litany of minor medical problems, or they begin to squirm when I relate the nasty details of the latest disease progression or treatment regime.

Those who know me and have followed my blog know that I have always been forthcoming and detailed about my condition, my treatments, and my options going forward. But still... the greeting "How are you?" challenges me. How do I answer, honestly and succinctly?

I have finally found the response which now works best for me... "I am well enough." "Well enough" seems to sum it up for me at this particular stage of the journey. I am certainly not as well as I would like to be. I am not able to work in the job that I love. Nor I am not able to travel to Florida to visit my folks and many friends there. I can't even take a lengthy roadtrip to visit friends in the North, the Okanagan, or the Kootenays. It is difficult to plan much of my life beyond a few months at a time. Each of these things, and many others, are a cause for disappointment and some sadness. Alas!

However... I was well enough to attend Robyn's wedding in Edmonton and dance 'til the "wee hours". I am well enough to walk the forests and seawalls of Stanley Park with friends and colleagues. I am well enough to enjoy lunch and a matinee movie with my daughters Kelly and Morgan. I am well enough to anticipate with great joy the birth of Robyn's child next Spring. I am well enough to enjoy the occasional night out at the symphony or a play. I am well enough to explore the many different options for living well (enough) with this deadly disease. And I am well enough to enjoy each day and night, each moment, with my beloved wife and partner Pam.

And that brothers and sisters is W E L L E N O U G H!!

Be well enough... Rob, in Vancouver

Guess I'm Doing Fine

2010-11-19T13:04:00.000-08:00

John Tinker: Rest in Peace

2010-11-04T14:53:00.000-07:00

I lost a dear friend, and fellow pilgrim on the cancer journey, last night. John died peacefully at home, free of pain, and in the arms of his beloved partner, Adrian. In his last few days he was remarkably free of the pain that had racked his body for the last several months.

John was a deep thinker, an avid reader, a gifted writer, an inspiring teacher, a good friend, a passionate gardener, and a fun and faithful partner. Others could say more, but this much, at least, I know to be true.

John and I met in cyberspace through the American Cancer Society's online support network. John, his partner Adrian, and I made a quick connection and found that we were bound in part by the common cards this dread disease had dealt us. John and I both had colon cancer that had spread to our sacrum, the lower vertebrae of the spine, the "Holy Bone". A painful and deadly recurrence.

Our relationships grew to include personal e-mails between John, Adrian, my wife Pam, and myself. In time I called John and we began to converse about symptoms and treatment options on the phone. Finally, last April, Pam and I traveled to San Francisco, where we were met by a smiling John and Adrian at the airport (SFO), and where we enjoyed much of their company over a wonderful 5-day visit. Highlights of our visit included a roadtrip to Point Reyes park and a pizza dinner at their beautifully restored home and garden.

In addition to sharing a common ailment, John and I shared much in common in our approach to living with cancer. John engaged the experience of living with a life-threatening disease deeply. (John engaged all of the experiences of life deeply!) After much thought, wrestling, and a transformative hypnosis session, John came to the point of understanding that is best summed up in his own words... "I cannot control the disease; I can control how I experience the disease."

John lived deeply and joyously through his life with cancer. He focused on what was "life-giving", which for John was his relationship with Adrian, his garden, his writing, his friends, and "Hogarth", John and Adrian's lively boxer. This is not to say that he did not have times of deep pain and suffering. He most certainly did, both physically and psychologically. Yet he was able to reflect on such periods, write of them, and ultimately transcend them. Where some might become embittered and resentful, John remained gracious and loving.

John shared some of his writing on the experience of living with cancer with me. His writing of this experience was detailed in its descriptions, insightful in its analysis, and graceful in its conclusions. I hope some of it finds its way to publication. It is certainly most worthy of it.

The picture of John above is not complete. It is cropped from a larger picture and a larger context...

... the context of love. I have not known John, apart from Adrian. Together they lived a rich life of creativity and love. Their home and garden is a living expression of such creativity and love.

Robert Louis Stevenson said that... "Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well." John was dealt a bad hand with a deadly cancer, but he played it graciously well.

God be with you John Tinker... until we meet again...

My deepest and heartfelt condolences go out to Adrian and to John's great circle of colleagues, family, and friends.

Peace and blessings... Rob; in Vancouver

"Despite all of this, we focus on good things.

As I write, Adrian and I are sipping champagne.

Hogarth is nestled up with us, and life is good."

John Tinker

John Tinker

2010-11-04T13:53:00.000-07:00

I have put this together using some pictures from John's CaringBridge site and a few of my own. A small tribute to a wonderful person. Gone far too soon...

Robyn & Brandon 10-10-10

2010-10-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

We had a great Thanksgiving Weekend in Edmonton celebrating Robyn and Brandon's wedding. The weather was fantastic, we had an awesome collection of family and friends, and the weekend was filled with many wonderful moments.

I had been very sick the week before the wedding and was only able to pull off the travel after significant help from my oncologist, my GP, and a new pain management regime. As it turned out my energy increased through the weekend and by 10-10-10 I was able to walk Robyn down the aisle and dance 'til 1:00AM!!

One of the many highlights of the wedding was attendance of a few special friends from my High School days in Calgary. It was like a mini-reunion! Gerry came down from Manning, Alberta, Nancy, who we hadn't seen since our own wedding 30 years ago, came up from Calgary, and Missy also came up from Calgary, where she has lived since relocating from Vancouver a few years ago. It was a wonderful treat to share a table with them at the wedding!

Rob - Missy - Nancy - Gerry

The following video features some highlights from the wedding. Pictures were taken mostly by Kelly's partner Jerome. It is impossible to capture all of the great moments or wonderful people who attended. Even so, this short clip gives a sense of the celebration. I've used a couple of Beatles tunes again.

Be well... Rob, Father-of-the-Bride; in Vancouver...

Robyn & Brandon 10-10-10

2010-10-11T10:07:00.000-07:00

Greetings From Edmonton!

2010-10-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

We're here in Sunny Alberta to celebrate the marriage of our daughter Robyn and her partner, Brandon. It is shaping up to be a great celebration as family gathers from coast to coast in this beautiful Alberta city. The "nuptials" themselves will take place on 10-10-10!

Major Health Down Turn

I don't have time now to say all of what has happened over the last several weeks. Suffice it to say that the nice little "bubble of wellness" I have enjoyed for most of the last year seems to have burst!! I had a very tough time of it after my last chemo (last Monday). Increased pain, loss of bladder control, debilitating fatigue, bowel distress... you don't want the details. To make a long story short... I spent my birthday, this Monday, with my Oncologist and a palliative specialist to get me on my feet for this trip. With the help of my GP, a new "catheter", and a new pain management regime I was able to get on the plane Thursday and come to Edmonton!! Today I had a major rebound of energy and by Sunday I hope I'll be fit to walk Robyn down the aisle!! YEAH!!

I'll post more details on the wedding and my health when I am back and settled in Vancouver. For now... All is well!!

Peace and blessing... Rob; in Edmonton!

"Yesterday I decided to go to the office.

I got as far as the bedroom door.

Chemo strikes."

Peter Jennings

Stand By Me

2010-09-18T13:05:00.000-07:00

The path of life is not meant to be walked alone...

...with thanks to the many who continue to Stand By Me in the midst of this journey. I am richly blest.

Peace and blessings... Rob; in Vancouver

Who Cares?

2010-09-10T13:29:00.000-07:00

Maria Dunn is our favorite Alberta Folk Singer. She came to Vancouver a few years ago and opened at a folk concert for the "No Shit Shirleys". Maria is a classic folk singer and has compiled an excellent collection of Western Canadian folk music. She is socially aware and not afraid to put her voice to the many advocacy needs faced by our community. Here is a beautiful piece written for the "Albertans Who Care" Campaign.

Be well... Rob; in Vancouver

Michael Douglas - David Letterman

2010-09-06T11:19:00.000-07:00

Japanese Garden - Mayne Island

2010-09-02T12:09:00.000-07:00

Mayne Island Light

Mayne Island is a small island in BC's "Gulf Island" Chain, between Vancouver and Victoria. It is a beautiful island and home to a peaceful community of "islanders" and "weekenders". Mayne Island has a history of being an agricultural community and there are still numerous active farms and a vibrant "farmer's market" every Saturday during the summer.

Pam and I spent 4 days on Mayne last week visiting our friends Harry and Dee. One of the highlights was a visit to the "Japanese Gardens". The "Japanese Gardens" were created to remember the Japanese families who had settled and farmed on Mayne Island in the early 1900's. The Japanese families were evacuated and interned after the outbreak of World War II.

Japanese Gardens - Mayne Island

I've compiled a short video of the pictures I took at the Japanese Garden along with the song "Sakura" (Cherry Blossoms) sung by the Vancouver Chamber Choir under the direction of Jon Washburn. The plaintive, melancholic tone of the song seems to fit the mood of the garden and the sad history it commemorates. "Sakura" is from the Chamber Choir's CD "Unexpected Gifts", part of a series of CD's entitled "Music for Healing" which has been organized by my friend, and Healing Touch practitioner, Laverne G'Froerer. Details of this innovative music project can be found here... "Music for Healing." I am reminded as I reflect on this history of the many dimensions of healing and reconciliation that take place within our diverse community.

Michael Kluckner, Canadian artist and writer, has published an excellent web page documenting some of the Japanese history of Mayne Island. His site includes original artwork, old photos, historical information, and comments from former and current Mayne Island residents. Michael's site can be found here... Vanishing BC

Remembering and reflecting... Rob; in Vancouver

St. Mary's - Lifford

2010-08-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

Lifford is a small community in Manvers Township in Central Ontario, not far from Peterborough. Many of the Preston's settled there in the 1830's and 40's after leaving the original homestead on Amherst Island. St. Mary's Anglican Church was built on land donated by Capt. Isaac Preston, who is buried in Vancouver with his wife Mary. Alexander Preston's wife Mary was instrumental in getting the church built. Unfortunately she got very sick and died before it was finished. Her funeral was the first service held in the new building and the church was named St. Mary's in her honor.

The original church burnt to the ground in a tragic fire on Ash Wednesday 1993. The church and community rallied to build a beautiful replica which is in use today.

We visited the site last week while on our holiday. We were graciously greeted and given a tour by our distant relation Viola Sisson. Viola let us into the building, recalled the story of the fire, and told of the determined effort to build the new chapel. Viola's family has been in the Lifford/Bethany area since the early 1800's and they are related to the Preston's, as are many of the old families still in the area.

It was a very moving experience. There are five generations of my direct Preston ancestors buried there, including Isaac and Sarah, Alexander and Mary, Young Isaac and Mary, Jack "The Colonel" and Charlotte, and my very own Grandpa Preston, Allen Victor. There are also hundreds of other relations by the names of Preston, Sisson, Hanna(h), Neals, and Johnston. It is a very peaceful site. Perhaps I will rest there one day. But not too soon!!

Enjoy the video clip below. The pictures are from our trip and the music is "For the Beauty of the Earth" arranged by John Rutter.

I am most grateful for the small group of dedicated folks who continue to exercise faithful stewardship and care for this sacred place. Thank you all...

Peace and Blessings... Rob; in Vancouver

"For the joy of human love,
Brother, sister, parent, child,
Friends on earth and friends above,
For all gentle thoughts and mild."

F.S.Pierpoint

"Filaments of Life"

2010-08-17T17:32:00.000-07:00

In "Late Nights on Air" Elizabeth Hay describes a poignant scene in which Elanor confronts the reality of the sudden and tragic death of her new-found love Ralph. The scene is witnessed by Harry.

“... Harry stood for a moment watching her. Her head looked like the heaviest of peonies after a rain, her body tilted forward over Ralph's. And the thought came to him that it wasn’t just one person who had died, but all the filaments of life connecting that person to everyone he’d ever known and to every place he’d ever been.” Elizabeth Hay

I am drawn in particular to the phrase "Filaments of Life" that Elizabeth uses to describe the connections that exist between ourselves and all the people and places we have known. As I enter more deeply into this experience of living with a terminal illness I find that I am becoming much more conscious of the "filaments of life" that connect me to family, friends, colleagues, and the many hundreds of people with whom I have had a connection through my life as a minister. Likewise I find myself remembering the many places and events to which I am connected.

I had an opportunity to reflect on some of these "filaments of life" while at a family reunion in Ontario this week. I spent a lot of the time reconnecting with family who I see only every few years. We are spread right across the country. To be gathered with extended family covering three generations gives me the sense of the significant connections that give rise to my family identity.

In addition to enjoying quality time with my living relations I was able to commune with my ancestors by way of a pilgrimage to the ancient family burial grounds of the Preston family at St. Mary's Anglican Church in Lifford, Ontario. At St. Mary's I was able to visit the graves of 5 generations of ancestors from my Grandfather Preston (on my Mom's side) on up to my Great, Great, Great, Great Grandfather and Grandmother. In remembering their respective lives I was able to imagine the "filaments of life" that extend from me through them and to the places they lived and the events that brought them to Canada and shaped our destinies here.

It is quite remarkable that through this long lineage I am connected to the County Armagh in Northern Ireland, and through Isaac Preston's military service I am connected to the United Irish Rebellion of 1797! Likewise through the lives of Isaac and his wife Sarah I am connected to the War of 1812 as the cause of my family's eventually migration to Upper Canada from the US, where they were not welcome as British Loyalists. Through this lineage I am also connected to the rebellion of 1937-38 and the Fenian raids that plagued the settlers of Upper Canada in the 1860's. Through the life and service of my Great Grandfather, Colonel J.A.V. Preston I am connected to the Northwest Rebellion of 1885 and the First Great War. Whew... and that is only in the last seven generations or so!

This is not to boast of ancestral achievement. By no means. Indeed there are many causes for which my ancient family fought which by today's reckoning I would see as unjust or even oppressive. Be that as it may, we have to accept our history as it is, for better and for worse! And we need to remember that when we look at history, we do so from the vantage point of standing on our ancestors shoulders!
For myself, I celebrate the peace that exists between Catholics and Protestants both here and in North Ireland; and the peace that has existed between Canada and the US for almost 200 years; and the reconciliation efforts underway with the Metis and First Nations communities in Canada. I give thanks that none of these relationships are a cause to bear arms today. Alas that they ever were!

"Filaments of Life" indeed have an historic element! When I think of the incredible lives of not just these ancestors but all of the diverse relations that have given rise to the life in me I am thoroughly amazed! It is truly amazing to imagine all of the random events that have their culmination in a particular life, a particular relationship, or a particular event.

What can we do but live in awe, in wonder, and in thanksgiving!

Remembering and reflecting... Rob; in Vancouver

"Our soul must perform two duties.
The one is that we must reverently wonder and be surprised.
The other is that we must gently let go and let be.
Always taking pleasure in God."
Julian of Norwich

Doran Bay 2010

2010-08-15T23:57:00.001-07:00

As we were growing up in the 60's my family would gather at my Great Uncle Beau and Great Aunt Ida's cottage on the St. Lawrence River near Prescott, Ontario. More recently my Mom and Dad, sisters, and cousins have carried on the tradition in nearby Morrisburg. We've been able to join them only occasionally. Most recently, last week.

What a wonderful week...

I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to make this trip and to have enjoyed it so much!

Tomorrow it is back to chemo!! Yechhh...

Be well... Rob; in Vancouver

Tomatoes for Prostate Health

2010-08-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

Video Link

Hospice Care - Some Wise Words

2010-08-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

Brooks is a friend, and fellow semi-colon, I met through the American Cancer Society Cancer Survivors Network (CSN). He has many years of working with people in "hospice" care. Brooks has a wonderful capacity to translate his experience of life into a wisdom that both consoles and inspires us. He recently had this to say regarding "hospice" care...

"People who choose hospice are not giving up hope, they are in fact redefining it. Though there may no longer be a possibility of curing their illness, they redirect their hope into mending and restoring relationships, spending quality time with those they love, and finding peace and comfort.

Choosing hospice doesn't mean choosing death, it means choosing to live life to the fullest. Usually once someone has chosen hospice, they have been through a lot already. Multiple hospital admissions, chemotherapy and radiation, and invasive tests and treatments can leave patients feeling sick and tired. By choosing hospice, they have decided to focus on the quality of their lives rather than on the quantity.

I've seen many people who have chosen hospice use their time, once consumed by doctors appointments and hospital stays, to take family vacations, travel to places they've always wanted to see, and enjoy the company of loved ones at home. These aren't people who have given up hope or given up on life. These are people who are living life to the fullest."

-------------------

What Brooks shares also resonates with my own pastoral experience.

A particular challenge for the person living in the advanced stages of cancer is, “knowing when to let go”. It seems to me that in the cancer journey there is a time to fight the "dragon" with all of the weapons we can muster. I've also seen that there can come a time when it's helpful to "let go", so that the final stage can be one of peace and dignity and not one of prolonged pain and suffering.

"Letting go" is not giving up. Death is not defeat or failure. It’s not about winning or losing, but rather about accepting the very imminent reality of our mortality. My experience has been that when the terminally ill reach the place of "letting go" a deep peace follows for the individual, their family, and their friends. Discerning the time of this transition is deeply personal and needs to be respected by caregivers and family alike.

Peace and blessings... Rob; in Vancouver

"When I find myself in times of trouble mother Mary comes to me,

speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

The Beatles

Educate - Liberate - Celebrate

2010-08-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

Vancouver Gay Pride 2010!!!

We've enjoyed celebrating Gay Pride since we came to Vancouver 8 years ago. Having a Gay daughter has only added to the great delight we have each year as Vancouver's GBLT community celebrates. The organizers have chosen EDUCATE - LIBERATE - CELEBRATE as a three-year theme with each year focused on one of the elements. This year is LIBERATE.

What really sucked about this year was that I was suffering from post chemo bowel distress and had to listen to the fun from my condo window. Grrrr..... Lucky for me Brent and Jerome took 273 pictures with my new camera so I had lots to see! Thanks guys!

I've narrowed it down to 100 in this slideshow. Enjoy!

We are reminded, even in Canada, that although we have made significant gains in civil law and human rights there is still a long way to go before our GLBT brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, parents, and friends are fully liberated. Attitudes of intolerance and hatred continue to be held in parts of our community, spilling out into behaviors of violence and exclusion again and again. And there are still many countries where there are no rights and outright persecution. Alas...   It seems that homophobia is destined to be the last of the sanctioned hatreds.

It was good to see many church and religious groups involved again this year.   I hope this march keeps happening until "Gay marriage" is legal in every country and "love of neighbor" is preached from every pulpit! Imagine!

Happy Pride!    Rob; in Vancouver

"For a long time I thought I wanted to be a nun.

Then I realized that what I really wanted to be was a lesbian."

Mabel Maney

Stages of Grief - Elisabeth Kubler Ross

2010-07-29T09:20:00.001-07:00

I first started working with Kubler-Ross's "stages of grief" back when I began my life as a minister in Port Simpson in 1992. I've returned to it often and still find it to be a helpful way of understanding grief and loss. Kubler-Ross dedicated her life to working with the dying, the ill, the lost, and the bereaved. She has left a great legacy of wisdom. Wisdom which is helpful when "Living on The Edge".

The following interpretation is with thanks to Alan Chapman.

-------------------------

Five Stages of Grief

(Based on the Grief Cycle model first published in On Death & Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, 1969. Interpretation by Alan Chapman 2006-2009.)

Also known as the 'grief cycle', it is important to bear in mind that Kübler-Ross did not intend this to be a rigid series of sequential or uniformly timed steps. It's not a process as such, it's a model or a framework. There is a subtle difference: a process implies something quite fixed and consistent; a model is less specific - more of a shape or guide. By way of example, people do not always experience all of the five 'grief cycle' stages. Some stages might be revisited. Some stages might not be experienced at all. Transition between stages can be more of an ebb and flow, rather than a progression. The five stages are not linear; neither are they equal in their experience. People's grief, and other reactions to emotional trauma, are as individual as a fingerprint.

The model recognizes that people have to pass through their own individual journey of coming to terms with death and bereavement, etc., after which there is generally an acceptance of reality, which then enables the person to cope.

Again, while Kübler-Ross's focus was on death and bereavement, the grief cycle model is a useful perspective for understanding our own and other people's emotional reaction to personal trauma and change, irrespective of cause.

1 - Denial

Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defense mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy to avoid or evade indefinitely.

2 - Anger

Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep us detached and non-judgmental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.

3 - Bargaining

Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.

4 - Depression

Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.

5 - Acceptance

Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

(Based on the Grief Cycle model first published in On Death & Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, 1969. Interpretation by Alan Chapman 2006-2009.)

-------------------------

Personally, I live in and out of all of these places, and more, on a regular basis. My cancer journey began in August 2004 with a diagnosis of stage 4 colon cancer, I've had a couple of serious recurrences, and now live with a persistent and painful presence of cancer in my very bone. Alas! There seems to be no escaping it!

Not to stay focused on the negative. My journey has been, and continues to be, filled with many experiences of great joy, deep peace, and real hope. These things go hand in hand with the otherwise "afflictive" emotions that together form the complex emotional climate of my heart and soul. I find that I can be more authentic in my experiences of the many good things in life when I am also honest and authentic with my very real grief.

Peace and blessings... Rob; in Vancouver

"For those who seek to understand it, death is a highly creative force.

The highest spiritual values of life can originate from the thought and study of death."
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Twenty Faces of Grief: Mitch Carmody

2010-07-29T06:31:00.000-07:00

Video Link

---------------------------

Mitch Carmody

http://www.heartlightstudios.net/home

Long-Term Disability

2010-07-27T15:46:00.000-07:00

Recent changes in my medical situation have persuaded me to remain on "long-term" disability rather than return to work this Fall as initially hoped. Increased pain in the sacrum, related neurological pain, and changes in my blood chemistry indicate that the cancer is still alive and well. Rats!

Dr. Klimo has resumed treatment with Irinotecan in addition to the Erbitux in hopes that it will provide a measure of relief. So far it seems to be helping on the pain front. Naseau, fatigue, and diarrhea are again, however, the order of the day. At this stage of the game it is amazing how important pain relief can become. There is nothing more mentally disabling than chronic pain, as many of you who live with it know.

I will have an opportunity to bring closure to my pastoral relationship with St. Stephen's, and my life as a minister, at a couple of services this Fall. We are tentatively planning a farewell service for October 3rd. The day before my birthday and the feast of St. Francis, which suits me very well!

After that we will be heading to Edmonton to celebrate Robyn's marriage to Brandon on 10-10-10.

Peace and blessings... Rob

"The only disability in life is a bad attitude."
Scott Hamilton

Have You Had Your Butt Checked Out??

2010-07-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

Video Link

Death Awareness

2010-07-13T11:24:00.000-07:00

David Kuhl is a Vancouver doctor, researcher, and the author of "What Dying People Want: Practical Wisdom for the End of Life". David's book is based on research that he did with people who were living with a terminal illness. "David Kuhl has peeled back the cover on the inner experience of living with dying. What Dying People Want synthesizes the wisdom of ancient mythology and insights from depth psychology with real-life perspectives of people living in the long shadow of death. Kuhl's message is brimming with hope. This book has relevance for us all." Ira Byock. M.D. author of "Dying Well"

In his book David speaks of "time and anxiety" and suggests the following exercise as a way coming to grips with the proximity of death in our lives.

Instructions: Adapted from “What Dying People Want” by David Kuhl pp 29-30

Think of the line above as representing your lifetime. Place an X on the line to show where you believe you are at present. Once you have done this take note of your feelings. Do you have a sense of relief? Of anxiety? Of fear? What else comes up for you?
Think of six significant events in your life. Number these events 1 through 6 and place the numbers on the line. Again, take note of your emotions as you recall these events.
Consider the line between X and DEATH. How would you like to live this period? Is there anything special you would like to do? Choose six significant events that you would like to “fit in” before the end of your life. Number these events 1 through 6, and place the numbers on the line.

I have worked with this exercise twice now since I was diagnosed. Once in the Fall of 2004 and again this Summer. On each occasion I have found myself placing the X fairly near to the end of the line. I have found it helpful each time, both in assessing what has been important in my life and in determining how to live with what time I have left. It is interesting for me to note that I have now lived much longer than what I had anticipated shortly after my diagnosis in 2004.

There have been times during the past 6 years where I have enjoyed the sense of a much longer "future horizon". These were times when I was able to make plans and commitments that went years into the future. Whilst in the midst of lengthy periods of remission I have even believed, at times, that I might live out a normal life-span. Regrettably this is much less so now. With each recurrence I am jolted back to reality and made to realize again that "life is short"!

David asks his readers to imagine a scenario where you have just learned that you have a terminal illness and only 6 to 12 months left to live. You now place an X very near to the end of the life-line above. He then asks...

Would you live differently?
Starting when?
Would you care as much what other people think about you or about what you do, how you live?
How would you fill your time?

Good questions!

Peace and blessings... Rob; in Vancouver

"Life is short. And we do not have long to gladden the hearts of those who walk the way with us. So let us be swift to love. And let us make haste to show kindness." Henri Amiel

The Underwear Affair!

2010-07-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we took part in the "Underwear Affair". A very fun, fund-raising run/walk for research for cancers "below the belt"; colon, prostrate, ovarian, bladder, etc. Our team, "The Energy Train", included Morgan and Brent; Kelly, Jerome, and Shea; Pam and I; Jill and Brandi from Pam's office; and Brandi's cousin Miranda.

A great time was had by all!

view on Flickr

Our team has raised almost $4000 so far! We are still accepting donations so if you haven't had the chance to give yet please do so. Just hit the link to the right and choose the team member you would like to sponsor. Your support helps us to uncover the cure!

BTW... Pam, Morgan and I finished 291, 292, 293 in a field of 311! YEAH! We would have turned in a better time but I spent too much time taking pictures of all the pretty girls!!

Have a very great day!

Rob; in Vancouver

"Medical science has proven time and again

that when the resources are provided,

great progress in the treatment, cure,

and prevention of disease can occur."

Michael J. Fox

HELP CURE CANCER!!

2010-07-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

Thank you all who have sponsored me in the "Underwear Affair". With your help I have now reached my $1000 goal! YEAH! Cancer is being beaten!

But Pam still needs help in making her goal so if you haven't made a donation yet but would still like to you can visit her site and sponsor her. Just click the flashing underwear link above.

Thank you for helping to find a cure for cancer!

Love Rob and Pam; in Vancouver

Father's Day 2010

2010-06-20T04:45:00.000-07:00

Morgan - Kelly - Robyn

A Dad's delight. And 3 Great reasons to keep on living!!

If you think these gals are cute... you should see their Mom!!

For all the blessings I have enjoyed as a Father,

I owe many thanks to my Father.

It matters not that Time has shed

His thawless snow upon your head,

For he maintains, with wondrous art,

Perpetual summer in your heart.

William Hamilton Hayne

TTFN... Rob

--------------------------------

"It is much easier to become a father than to be one."

Kent Nerburn

Publish Post

"Living on the Edge"

2010-06-09T23:18:00.000-07:00

For the past 6 years I've felt as though I have been living on the edge of death. Or perhaps the edge of life, depending on how you look at it. Either way, living with metastatic cancer is "living on the edge". I tend not to share many of my thoughts about this dimension of the journey. It is not the kind of thinking that people normally want to engage in. But it is the kind of thinking that late-stage cancer survivors are drawn to. At least occasionally.

I can't imagine any cancer survivor who hasn't delved a little into the "existential questions" of life and death. For those of us with metastatic or recurrent cancers, these questions become more pressing. To avoid them is to live in denial of our mortality.

Henri Nouwen offers up the following as food for thought...

"Is death something so terrible and absurd that we are better off not thinking or talking about it? Or...
Is it possible to befriend our dying gradually and live open to it? Trusting that we have nothing to fear.
Is it possible to prepare for death with the same attentiveness that our parents had in preparing for our birth?"
Henri Nouwen "Our Greatest Gift"

Beginning in July, I will have the opportunity to explore these and other questions in a new program I am facilitating at InspireHealth, Vancouver's integrated cancer care center. "Living on the Edge" will be a small support group for "late-stage" cancer survivors. Themes explored will include: facing death; accepting our mortality; getting the most out of THIS life; doing what is life-giving; finding friends for the journey; engaging family and friends; and life after death, to name but a few.

So, over the next few months, I will be using this space to share some of my own personal reflections on this aspect of the cancer journey. Please do not be alarmed or think that I am feeling any closer to the end of MY journey. I am not! The truth is I have been living with this awareness of the "proximity of death" for most of the past 6 years. Much of what I'll be sharing here will come from what has been on my mind from time to time over the past several years, the "unpublished" pages of my journal.

If you're interested you can start by reading some of my previous posts on death and dying... here.

Be well... Rob; in Vancouver

“There is no cure for birth and death,
save to enjoy the interval.”

George Santayana

Wedding - Anniversary - Engagement

2010-06-07T17:24:00.000-07:00

June 5, 2010

I officiated at the wedding of our dear friends Amanda and Chris who came all the way from Edinburgh to be married in the Vancouver sunshine. It was our own 29th anniversary (June 5, 1981) and to top it all off Brandon proposed to Robyn with the gift of a beautiful diamond ring at the end of the evening! This after Robyn caught the bridal bouquet!

It was a great day and one of those rare occasions when we were all together. Robyn returned to Edmonton this morning after a 3-week visit. I miss her already.

Pam gave me a lovely new digital SLR camera for our anniversary so I am finally back in photography mode!

view show

Life is for living!

Rob; in Vancouver

Waking Up is Hard to Do!

2010-05-31T21:55:00.000-07:00

The LARYNGOSPASMS with a little ditty for all you poor suckers waiting for surgery!

video link

Medical Update

2010-05-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

I have met a few people over the past week who have been wondering "How I'm doing?" I guess it is time for a brief "Medical Update".

I continue to receive a "targeted tumor growth inhibitor" ERBITUX. I have now had 14 treatments of a planned 20. These take place every 2nd Wednesday. Side-effects remain limited to a skin rash and mild fatigue. The good news is that there continues to be "no disease progression". Believe me when I tell you that this is significantly good news!

I remain on medical leave and will do so through the summer. I remain hopeful of a return to work in the Fall.

I am well and enjoying each day of this beautiful Vancouver Spring.

HELP ME! To Uncover the Cure!!

This year Pam and I and "the Girls" are joining with some folks from Pam's office to participate in the 2010 UNDERWEAR AFFAIR! A major fund-raising event for cancers "below the belt". Our team is called "The Energy Train"... Toot Toot! You can help me meet my fund-raising goal by visiting my site and donating online. It is easy. "Rob's Underwear Site"

VISIT MY NEWEST BLOG... 60's RETRO
You know you have way too much restless time on your hands when you start something like this...

A "retrospective" glance at the decade that defied tradition and defined a generation!
60's Retro

TTFN... Rob; in Vancouver

"Medical science has proven time and again that when the resources are provided,

great progress in the treatment, cure, and prevention of disease can occur."

Michael J. Fox

San Francisco

2010-05-26T23:01:00.000-07:00

Pam and I were able to spring some time and make an awesome trip to San Francisco in April. It is a city we have always wanted to visit and it was in all ways worth the trip. We initially planned on driving down the Oregon Coast and taking in the Redwoods of Northern California on the way but eventually had to scrap that plan in favour of a round-trip flight.

I prepped for the trip by reading "A Crack in the Edge of the World" by Simon Winchester. This is an excellent account of the 1906 earthquake and fire and a good general history of Northern California. Pam and I also watched "Milk", "Vertigo", "Bullit", and "Yours Mine and Ours"!

A big part of our trip was to visit our friends John and Adrian. John is a fellow cancer survivor and one of the very few who shares my particular situation of a "sacral tumour". John and Adrian proved to be excellent guides with the highlight of the trip a day-long excursion to Point Reyes Park on the very west coast! It was truly a great day!

John, Pam, and Adrian on the San Andreas Fault

We delighted in exploring the "Beat", "Hippy", and "Gay" cultural history of San Francisico. I was rewarded in my visit to City Lights Bookstore with a chance meeting with Beat poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti. Interestingly, I had imagined meeting him before going there and poof... he materialised out of his upstairs office while I was browsing books. I was a little dumbfounded at first and then followed him downstairs where he signed a book of poetry he had recently editted. Thomas Merton was a friend of Ferlinghetti's and spent his last night in the US with him before his Asia trip. But that is another story.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti

We took in a movie in the famed Castro Theatre on Castro Street, tasted wines at Fishermen's Wharf, and shopped for bra's at Victoria's Secret. We travelled by streetcar, trolley, BART, bus, and MUNI. Getting around was easy and fun.

I fulfilled the pilgrimage portion of the trip with visits to the National St. Francis Shrine and the original St. Francis Mission.

We would dearly love to return!

TTFN... Rob; in Vancouver

"Everything the Beats stood for
was the opposite of the dominant culture today."

Lawrence Ferlinghetti

This Too Shall Pass

2010-04-03T00:58:00.000-07:00

This is a "must-share" video!

Making Good Progress

2010-03-11T12:52:00.000-08:00

I had a PET Scan on Monday at the BC Cancer Agency and got the results from my Oncologist yesterday. The long and short of it is we are making good progress and the scan basically confirms the clinical situation which is generally much improved.

I have been virtually "pain-free" for the last month and have been able to stop the morphine and other pain killers that have been part of my daily diet since September. This represents significant improvement

There were no surprises in the PET Scan. The lungs, liver, and lymph systems are all clear. There is no evidence of "soft-tissue tumours" at all. There is still a low level of activity in the sacrum. It registered very low in terms of FDG uptake but still a bit higher than normal.

Dr. Klimo is very pleased with the results and wants to stay the course with Erbitux treatment. According to my oncologist Erbitux is technically NOT a chemo. I guess by that he means it is not a conventional cyto-toxic chemo. Rather it is a "targetted growth inhibitor". Whatever! It seems to work well for me. I call it the chemo that is NOT a chemo. It still comes complete with an array of nasty side-effects though!

Here is an interesting story about Dr. Klimo and one of his patients. Paul Klimo Story The patient in the story is on the same treatment that I am. I am hoping for the same outcome!

Ever hopeful... Rob; in Vancouver

“Medical science has proven time and again
that when the resources are provided,
great progress in the treatment, cure,
and prevention of disease can occur.”

Michael J. Fox

The Colonoscopy - Peter Yarrow

2010-03-11T11:57:00.000-08:00

Torch Relay - West End!

2010-02-12T08:09:00.000-08:00

Pam, Kelly, Jerome and I were up at 5am to see the torch relay as it went through Stanley Park and the West End this morning. Olympic spirit is now at a fever pitch in Vancouver. The highlight this morning was the "Running Man" himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold running in Vancouver!

Pam says that Arnold is her 2nd favorite guy! (I'm not sure where that leaves me!) She's been a fan since "Conan" days. Who remembers that!

We're off to the Sylvia tonight to watch the opening ceremonies.

TTFN... Rob; in Vancouver

"Milk is for babies.
When you grow up you have to drink beer."

Arnold Schwarzenegger

I Believe

2010-02-11T11:04:00.000-08:00

2010 Olympic Theme Song

sung by 16 year-old Nikki Yanofsky

Live From Vancouver!

2010-02-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

Host city of the 2010 Winter Olympics and Paralympic Games!! Woo Hoo!

Ready or not! It all starts on Friday. Snow or no snow!

We've had a long stretch of warm weather so the lack of snow on Cypress Mountain is still an issue. Cypress is the venue for Freestyle Skiing and Snowboarding. Last report was that they were hauling snow from Manning Park, beyond Hope! Other ski events are happening in Whistler, which has snow.

Kelly and Pam are taking part in the opening ceremonies in Richmond next Sunday. They are part of the Tai Chi group in the "Chinese Dragon". They are quite excited about it. I'm not sue if it will be televised but will try to post details if it is.

TTFN... Rob; in Vancouver

Spiritual Connection

2010-02-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

Foundations of Healing #3

My integrated cancer care community, InspireHealth, names "Spiritual Connection" as the third "Foundation of Healing" in their integrated approach to cancer care.

This is an important part of my own cancer journey and begins with the simple awareness that I am a spiritual being. I have personal awareness and experience of this dimension of my being through practices such as prayer, meditation, worship, study and reflection, and service.

While I may be cognizant of a "realized spirituality" in my own life, I am also aware that this is a deeply personal matter and not true for all people. In studying the types of religious and spiritual experiences of people with chronic illness one study identified the following three groups

Religious individuals who highly value religious faith, spiritual well-being, and the meaning of life.
Existential individuals who highly value spiritual well-being but not religious faith.
Nonspiritual individuals who have little value for religiousness, spirituality, or a sense of the meaning of life.

Source: National Cancer Institute

Religion vs Spirituality

That there are differences between religion and spirituality is generally accepted. What those differences are is a matter of interpretation. My good friend and colleague Don Grayston, drew this diagram to help me see his understanding of the relationship between religion and spirituality.

In this schematic we can understand "religion" as more defined and "structured". It has order, beliefs, specific practices, and organization. Spirituality on the other hand is a little less ordered, more free-flowing, less defined and less structured.

From this diagram we can also see that there would be those who are "spiritual but NOT religious" as well as those who are "religious but NOT spiritual". Some would assume that to be "religious" would naturally involve "spirituality". Personally, I think not. I believe that you could be involved in all of the "outward forms" of religion but realize no "spiritual life", no love of neighbour, no inner peace, no transformation, no enlightenment of consciousness, no relationship with God, nada.

Personally, I view the structure and practices of "religion" as a helpful means to realize a healthy "spirituality". "Religion" provides me with the community, traditions, accountablity, beliefs, discipline, and practices that help to nurture and sustain my faith.

Spirituality and Healing

The relationship between spirituality and healing has been known by the world's religious traditions since time immemorial. From ancient shamanic practices to modern medicine the role of religion and faith in healing has been recognized and affirmed. Contemporary research has confirmed the significance of faith and spirituality in the quality of life and health of cancer patients.

"Religion and spirituality have been shown to be significantly associated with measures of adjustment and with the management of symptoms in cancer patients. Religious and spiritual coping have been associated with lower levels of patient discomfort as well as reduced hostility, anxiety, and social isolation in cancer patients and in family caregivers. Specific characteristics of strong religious beliefs, including hope, optimism, freedom from regret, and life satisfaction, have also been associated with improved adjustment in individuals diagnosed with cancer." National Cancer Institute

Personal Approach

My own personal approach to living with cancer includes prayer, meditation, healing touch, tai chi, worship, and spiritual reading and study. This in addition to chemo, surgery, radiation, exercise, supplements, etc...

Be well... Rob; in Vancouver

"Spiritual healing plays a vitally important role in the healing process, creating a solid foundation for recovery. By reclaiming this connection, we live life more fully, maximize our immune response, and become actively engaged in the process of recovery." Inspirehealth

See all "Foundations of Healing" posts... Here

Healing Touch

2010-02-01T08:44:00.000-08:00

New CT Scan Results

2010-01-27T11:34:00.000-08:00

I had my monthly visit with my Oncologist on Tuesday. Important for me were the results of the first CT Scan since the rectal/sacral recurrence was discovered in early September. There has been quite a change.

There is no evidence of the large soft tissue tumour that had been between the rectum and the sacrum (no evidence of soft tissue tumours at all!) and there is significant evidence of bone growth and healing in the sacrum itself. We're unable to tell if there is still cancer in the sacrum. There may well be.

I'm still experiencing pain in the sacrum/coccyx. Disconcerting as this is, it is not necessarily an indication that there is still cancer there. It is an indication that damage was done. Time will tell whether things are clear or not.

Klimo was very pleased. Needless to say we are pleased as well. While by no means "out of the woods", I think we can be cautiously optimistic.

In the meantime we will carry on with chemo...

That's all folks... Rob; in Vancouver

“Life is short,and we do not have much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel the way with us. So let us be swift to love, and let us make haste to show kindness.”

Henri Amiel

Friday Update

2010-01-15T12:04:00.000-08:00

I have been enjoying an extended post-holiday period of reading and relaxation and haven't posted for a long time. Here's a short update.

Holiday Celebrations

Our Christmas and New Year's celebrations were wonderful. Robyn and Brandon visited from Edmonton and my sister Beth and her partner Colin visited from New Brunswick for New Years. I enjoyed good heath and moderate energy throughout the holidays.

We saw the New Year in with a great group of family and friends at the Sylvia Hotel. Making it to midnight was a challenge but it really was a great party!

Kelly - Robyn

Morgan

Christmas greetings, family updates, New Year's photos, and "A Christmas Love Story" can be found on the "Pollock Family Christmas Blog", my 21st century response to the Christmas Card tradition.

On the Chemo Front...

Not much to report here. I am still receiving Erbitux every two weeks. Side effects, fatigue and rash, are mostly managable. I think I'm on this regime until April. There is really nothing more to say for now.

That's all folks... Rob; in Vancouver

"The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year.

It is that we should have a new soul."

G. K. Chesterton

Friday Update

2009-12-04T05:30:00.000-08:00

Chemo
I received my second dose of Erbitux on Wednesday. The Irinotecan was dropped due to the severity of the side-effects. It may be tried again later. We will see. As of today I am feeling fairly good so hope that this regime will be tolerable. I do have the "Erbitux rash", an acne-like rash, on the chest, shoulders, back, face and scalp. It itches and is a little unsightly but is otherwise managed well with lotion and antibiotics. Moderate fatigue.

Christmas 2009
The Christmas boxes came up from storage last weekend so it is beginning to look a lot like Christmas around the condo. Robyn will be home for Christmas, Brandon will be visiting, and my sister Beth and her friend Colin will be joining us from New Brunswick for New Years! Yeah! I'm already filled with the Christmas spirit!

Pollock Family Christmas Blog
Last year I started a "Christmas Blog" in lieu of Christmas cards (which I always found too difficult to fit in with the busy Advent/Christmas church scene). It was a lot of fun so I invite you to visit there from time-to-time during the season. Pollock Family Christmas

Be well... Rob; in Vancouver

"The message of Christmas is that the visible material world is bound to the invisible spiritual world."

Author Unknown

Here Comes Santa Claus

2009-12-04T03:39:00.000-08:00

Choices in Healing

2009-11-30T01:00:00.000-08:00

Michael Lerner is the author of “Choices in Healing: Integrating the Best of Conventional and Complementary Approaches to Cancer” (availble to read online). He's one of our leading thinkers when it comes to integrated cancer treatment. Here's what he would do if he faced a cancer diagnosis, in his own words…

“I would give careful thought to choosing a mainstream oncologist. I wouldn’t need someone with wonderful empathic skills--I’m fortunate to have other people in my life who provide that. But I would want a doctor who was basically kind, and on top of the medical literature regarding my disease. I would look for a doctor who was willing to take the time to answer my questions, and who supported my commitment to be deeply involved in my treatment decisions, and my commitment to complementary therapies. Finally, I would want a doctor who would stick with me medically and emotionally if recovery were not possible and I faced death.
I would use mainstream therapies that offered a real chance for recovery, but I would probably not use experimental therapies or therapies with a low probability of success that were highly toxic or compromised my capacity to live and, if it came to that, die as I chose.
I would use complementary therapies. I would look for a good support group and a psychotherapist experienced in working with people with cancer. I’ve been a vegetarian for many years, but I would look for ways to enhance my nutrition. I would meditate and practice yoga more often, and spend more time in Nature, taking walks in the woods, by the ocean, and in the mountains.
I would definitely use traditional Chinese medicine, both herbs and acupuncture.
I would strive for life, for recovery, with every possible tool and resource I could find. But if recovery were not possible, I would also work to face death in a way that deepened my growth and led to some resolution of my life and relationships.
I would pay a great deal of attention to the inner healing process that I hope a cancer diagnosis would trigger in me. I would give careful thought to the meaning of my life, what I had to let go of, and what I wanted to keep.
I would spend time with the people I value, and with books, writing, music, and my own vision of God. I would do everything I could do that I didn’t want to leave undone. I would not waste time with old obligations, though I would try to extricate myself from them decently.
I would try to live my own life my own way. I would try to accept the pain and sorrow inherent in my situation, but I would also look searchingly for the beauty, wisdom, and joy."

Well said Michael!!

TTFN... Rob; in Vancouver

"Everyone has a doctor in him or her; we just have to help it in its work. The natural healing force within each one of us is the greatest force in getting well. Our food should be our medicine. Our medicine should be our food."

Hippocrates

---------------------

Michael Lerner on Healing

On Suffering

2009-11-27T01:51:00.000-08:00

Life is “dukkha”! Life is suffering! Herein lies the first noble truth in the Buddhist worldview. To live is to experience some manner of suffering.

Most of the world’s great philosophical and religious traditions attempt to deal with the reality of suffering and the many questions it raises. What causes suffering? How can we make sense of it? How do we overcome it, transcend it, or at least live with grace in the face of it?

“What is the noble truth of suffering? Birth is suffering, aging is suffering and sorrow and lamentation, pain, grief and despair are suffering.” Buddha

---------------

Suffering has many faces; physical pain, illness, cancer, aging, and death; the individual or collective experience of violence, oppression, social injustice and inequality; stress and conflict in relationships, grief at the loss of a loved one, and anguish in parenting; unfulfilled dreams and expectations. Take your pick. The experience of some form of suffering in our lives is inescapable, try as we might to avoid it.

Franciscan priest and teacher, Richard Rohr, has said that one of the common denominators in all human suffering is the experience that we are powerless; we have been overwhelmed by circumstances and events beyond our power to control. The ancient psalms of lament often expressed this with words like... “I sink in deep mire where there is no foothold. I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me…”

One of the other thoughts that Richard shares about pain and suffering is… “In many ways, spirituality is about what we do with our pain. And the truth is, if we don't transform it, we will transmit it.” What Richard speaks of, and what we’ve all seen on many occasions, is the unresolved grief and pain of an individual, or of a group, transmitted through acts of anger, hatred, and violence towards others. Simone Weil puts it simply this way... “A hurtful act is the transference to others of the degradation which we bear in ourselves.”

We also see many examples of people who have endured horrible suffering and yet who have found ways to transform their pain and affliction into wisdom and grace. Elie Wiesel, holocaust survivor…

“I have learned two lessons in my life: first, there are no sufficient literary, psychological, or historical answers to human tragedy, only moral ones. Second, just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings.”

----------------

"Breathe in suffering...

...Breathe out compassion."

Rob; in Vancouver

“Although the world is full of suffering,

it is also full of the overcoming of it.”

Helen Keller

Sounds of Silence

2009-11-27T01:00:00.000-08:00

Chemo Blues!

2009-11-26T17:18:00.000-08:00

I've been struck down by a particular nasty reaction to chemo over this past week. I'm finally up today after visit back to the hospital yesterday to receive fluids intravenously.

One of the chemo drugs, Irinotecan, has diarrhea as a common side-effect. I've had this chemo before and always handled it well with a little Imodium. This time it was relentless and left me dehydrated and bed-ridden for 5 days! My oncologist has said that I will not be receiving it again. For which I am grateful. He thought, and I concur, that the severe reaction was probably because of the previous radiation which had already left the bowels in a "distressed" state.

Next week I will just receive the one drug, Erbitux. I may have others added down the road. We'll see...

So... I am alive and well and will begin posting regularly again tomorrow.

TTFN... Rob; in Vancouver

"Yesterday I decided to go to the office.

I got as far as the bedroom door.

Chemo strikes."

Peter Jennings

Friday Update

2009-11-20T15:02:00.000-08:00

Chemotherapy

I started my chemo program on Wednesday. Suffering a little fatigue and nausea over the last couple of days. Still waiting for some of the other side-effects to hit. Over-all not too bad so far! I'll have chemo every two weeks for the next 20 weeks or so. I'd like to get a break at Christmas if possible. We'll see.

Radiation
I had a visit with my radiation oncologist on Thursday. He is happy with the outcome of the radiation and expects me to see continued benefits in that area.

PET Scan
The plan to have a PET Scan in Edmonton has fallen through. I don't know the details but there were some financial/billing problems between the Alberta and BC. No plans for this scan now. I'll probably have one when my Chemo program is finished. This does not concern me as I'm pretty sure there is no other cancer to be found. I was looking forward to a trip to Edmonton though! But I would not be travelling on Chemo anyways.

That's all folks!!

Rob; in Vancouver

"The dream of wellness sustained me

throughout the reality of the treatment."

Vickie Girard

Metalstasis

2009-11-20T01:36:00.000-08:00

I posted this a couple of years ago too. It is pretty strange! I'm amazed by the new animation technology. I think they've really captured the spirit of cancer and chemo here!

I love it when this guy shaves! Great haircut too!

Enjoy... Rob

Chemo Plan - Finally!

2009-11-17T18:52:00.000-08:00

Finally! It starts! Not that chemo is ever something that you WANT to do, it is good to be getting started.

I begin tomorrow with a program of Erbitux, the growth inhibitor I mentioned earlier, and Irinotecan, a chemotherapy drug I have taken twice before. Both of these medicines will be administered by way of an intravenous infusion which I will receive at the North Vancouver Cancer Clinic.

This is how Erbitux works!

I'm familiar with the side-effects of Irinotecan, nausea, severe diarrhea, suppression of the immune system (low white blood cells), and hair loss (sometimes). Erbitux is known particularly for a nasty skin rash on the face, head, chest, shoulders, and back. The trick with chemo is to manage the side-effects in such a way as to continue with the chemo program.

The plan is for me to receive these medicines once every two weeks for 20 weeks. 10 treatments in all. If I am able to stick with it the treatments will be finished in mid-April. It is a long program.

Stay tuned for updates!

Rob; in Vancouver

"Yesterday I decided to go to the office.

I got as far as the bedroom door.

Chemo strikes."

Peter Jennings

Cancer 101

2009-11-17T17:12:00.000-08:00

Karen Armstrong - TED

2009-11-15T12:05:00.000-08:00

Karen Armstrong speaking on compassion and the "Golden Rule"

"The principle of compassion lies at the heart of all religious, ethical and spiritual traditions, calling us always to treat all others as we wish to be treated ourselves."

Charter for Compassion

The Bowels of Compassion

2009-11-15T00:36:00.000-08:00

Compassion is that wonderful human capacity to share deeply with others in their pain and suffering. It is a feeling that emerges in the gut, the bowels, the ancient bodily location of love and pity. Today we tend to identify compassion and love more frequently with the heart. It was not always so.

One Greek word that is translated into compassion in the ancient stories of biblical healing is Splagchnizomai.
splangkh-nid'-zom-ahee to be moved as to one's bowels, hence to be moved with compassion, have compassion (for the bowels were thought to be the seat of love and pity). The New Testament Greek Lexicon

This root of compassion speaks of a deep "visceral" yearning or moving in the very “bowels of our being” when confronted with the suffering of another. Compassion reminds us of the deep interconnection we have with all life. Compassion transcends all of the superficial divisions we set up to keep ourselves separate and isolated. It unites us in the most diverse and dire of situations.

Our capacity to experience compassion develops more deeply as we become aware of our own vulnerability and suffering. In the words of Sogyal Rinpoche… "when we finally know we are dying, and all other sentient beings are dying with us, we start to have a burning, almost heartbreaking sense of the fragility and preciousness of each moment and each being, and from this can grow a deep, clear, limitless compassion for all beings.”

More than just a gut feeling, compassion motivates us to live and act in ways that alleviate the suffering of others. Even if it just means listening to someone’s story or holding someone in our laps in the midst of great trauma and chaos.

With Love… Rob; in Vancouver

“But it’s hard to explain, Mitch. Now that I am suffering, I feel closer to others who are suffering than I ever did before.”

Tuesdays with Morrie

Originally posted in July 2007

If I Had a Hammer

2009-11-15T00:10:00.000-08:00

The Flintstones - Winston Ads

2009-11-14T07:14:00.000-08:00

I get a real kick out of these vintage Flintstone commercials for Winston cigarettes! Back in the day!

We've come a long way since then. Cigarette advertising is way down. But smoking is still pretty popular with the kids!

Be well & Don't smoke!! Rob; in Vancouver

Smoke, Smoke, Smoke!

2009-11-14T07:06:00.000-08:00

Charter for Compassion

2009-11-13T09:26:00.000-08:00

A call to bring the world together…

The principle of compassion lies at the heart of all religious, ethical and spiritual traditions, calling us always to treat all others as we wish to be treated ourselves. Compassion impels us to work tirelessly to alleviate the suffering of our fellow creatures, to dethrone ourselves from the centre of our world and put another there, and to honour the inviolable sanctity of every single human being, treating everybody, without exception, with absolute justice, equity and respect. read more...

With these words the Charter for Compassion was launched yesterday as a vehicle to promote peace, understanding, compassion, and justice in our world. Amongst the early "affirmers" of the Charter are His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Karen Armstrong, Queen Noor of Jordan, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Deepak Chopra, Dr. Seyyed Hossein Nasr, and Sister Joan Chittister.

------------------------------------

This initiative could not come at a better time for me. After attending our Remembrance Day service on Wednesday I was overwhelmed by the awareness that, as we gather each year, we bear witness to our collective failure to create and sustain a just peace in this world.

I invite you to visit the Charter for Compassion website, affirm the Charter and learn more about how we can restore compassionate thinking and compassionate action to the center of our lives.

Charter for Compassion

With compassion... Rob; in Vancouver

“The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another.”

Thomas Merton

Audacter et Strenue

2009-11-10T04:00:00.000-08:00

Our Pollock’s came to Lachute, Quebec from Paisley, Renfrewshire in Scotland where they were weavers. They were part of a major immigration of Scots to Quebec in the early 1800’s. The Pollock name has taken on various forms in North America including Pogue and Polk. President James Polk, 11th US President, comes from the Pollock’s of Renfrewshire.

The name Pollock itself is derived from the lands of the parish of Pollock, in Renfrewshire, Scotland. The name is from the Gaelic “Pollag”, 'a little, pool, pit, or pond'.

The Pollock badge and coat of arms features the wild boar, passant (ie walking), pierced by an arrow or lance. The boar in heraldry typically means bravery and fierceness (fighting spirit), the boar “fights to the death”. I relate well to the arrow in the side of the boar as a symbol of “woundedness” which, in my case, refers to my many cancer scars... Ouch!!

The Pollock motto, Audacter et Strenue, is usually translated "boldly and strongly".
audacter, audaciter : boldly, proudly, fearlessly.
strenue, strenuus : brisk, active, vigorous/ turbulent, restive.

The characteristics of boldness (audaciousness) and strength take on new meaning for me as I dedicate myself to overcoming this dread disease. I love the word “audacious”. It names a radical, risky, unrestrained type of boldness that describes the type of “audacious hope” we need to have in the face of life-threatening circumstances.

“Audacious” has found its way into today’s business lexicon through the term BHAG. Pronounced BeeHAG, it’s an acronym for a Big, Hairy, Audacious Goal. It names a clear and bold vision for the future. I have a BHAG for my future and it has to do with being around to celebrate a 50 year anniversary with my beloved Pam!! (We just had our 28th). I look forward to each day in the meantime!

Here’s hoping… Robertus De Pollock;

“The very least you can do in your life
is to figure out what you hope for.
And the most you can do
is live inside that hope.”
Barbara Kingsolver

Sesame Street - 40 Years

2009-11-10T02:00:00.000-08:00

Sesame Street aired for the first time on November 10, 1969. 40 years ago today. It was a favorite of my sister Beth!

Here's Big Bird...

And here's Ernie...

Serenity

2009-11-09T01:18:00.000-08:00

Cancer brings its fair share of stress and anxiety into our lives. With a diagnosis we are launched into a maelstrom of appointments, scans, and tests. Waiting for the results of these tests can bring its own particular dread. In addition to an underlying fear of death or dying, there may be fear of recurrences or worry about treatment regimes and their side-effects. Each new pain experienced in the body can be imagined as a new cancer. Financial stress often accompanies cancer as healthcare costs rise and as income decreases or disappears. Cancer may force us into making significant decisions about our work, living arrangements, and lifestyles with each of these decisions embodying its own particular dimension of grief and loss. The list goes on...

The cumulative effect of this “cancer stress” and "anxiety" has the potential to further diminish our health and well-being beyond the physical effects of cancer itself. Since stress has been found to be a significant factor in decreasing our immune function it is vital to our health that we find effective ways of coping with it. Finding peace in the midst of the stress of cancer can be one of the survivor’s greatest challenges.

There is a particular kind of peace that naturally accompanies the sense of "contentment" that comes when things are going well in our lives. It is a very different and more elusive type of peace that comes in the midst of hardships. This is how I have come to understand "serenity", an inner quality of peace in the midst of chaos and stress. "Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm."

“Inner peace: (or peace of mind) A colloquialism that refers to a state of being mentally or spiritually at peace, with enough knowledge and understanding to keep oneself strong in the face of discord or stress… Peace of mind, serenity, and calmness are descriptions of a disposition free from the effects of stress. In some cultures, inner peace is considered a state of consciousness or enlightenment that may be cultivated by various forms of training, such as prayer, meditation, T'ai Chi Ch'uan or yoga, for example. Many spiritual practices refer to this peace as an experience of knowing oneself.” Wikipedia

Keeping ourselves strong and healthy in the face of cancer involves taking a proactive role in our own healing. It involves becoming informed about our illness and engaged in the healing process. It also involves, inasmuch as these things are possible, accepting the things we can’t change, letting go of fear and worry, and consenting to be at peace with the unresolved issues, tensions and dilemmas in our lives. Often easier said, than done!

Peace be with you... Rob; in Vancouver

“Each one has to find his peace from within.

And peace, to be real, must be unaffected

by outside circumstances.”

Mahatma Gandhi

Let it be

2009-11-09T01:06:00.000-08:00

Enjoy!!

I'll Pray for You

2009-11-08T11:15:00.000-08:00

These short pieces from Father Eugene Kennedy say a lot about what prayer means in terms of our relationship to one another.

"A change actually occurs between two persons when one promises sincerely to pray for the other. The former has actually placed him/herself into a new kind of relationship with the one to whom they have made the promise. He/she has committed themself to the other's world of personal concern..."

Kennedy sees prayer as someting much deeper than a simple wishing of "Good Luck!" or "Bon Voyage"....

"It means we that we have redefined ourselves in relation to our friend, that we have enlarged the boundaries of ourselves in order to stand closer to the other at a time when that is exactly what they need. A shift occurs when we cast the votes of our time, attention, and prayers for another human being. We are, through the power of the spirit and the reality of our committment, with them in a new and vitalizing way... We communicate faith, hope, and love in a truly living way."

Father Kennedy's understanding has helped me to view prayer as a way of deepening the relationships I am in. In the silence of prayer I can practice a type of "mindfulness" that allows me to become more aware of how I am connected to others. In this way I am reminded of my relationship with all of humanity and indeed all life.

It is at once both gratifying and humbling to be aware that others are praying for you in this way. During the time of my illness I have been supported by the prayer and love of thousands. I remember once going to a health clinic for my flu shot. When I gave the attending nurse my name, she said "I know you. We pray for you and your family in my church." I was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude to know that this "stranger" had committed me to her circle of care and compassion.

Prayer in this way transcends the variety of religious traditions we know in the world. It becomes a way of making the stranger a friend, of reconciling with an enemy, of healing relationships that are broken or strained, and of making peace in the world.

May it be so.

Rob; in Vancouver

Halleluia - Allison Crowe

2009-11-08T05:56:00.000-08:00

Allison Crowe singing a Leonard Cohen Classic

A Wild Hare - 1940

2009-11-07T08:23:00.000-08:00

Elmer Fudd and "Bugs Bunny" in the original 1940 cartoon, For your Saturday morning cartoon! Bugs introduces the phrase "What's up Doc?" in this clip! With the awesome voice talents of Mel Blanc.

What's up, Doc? from wikipedia

"Bugsy's nonchalant carrot-chewing stance, as explained many years later by Chuck Jones, and again by Friz Freleng and Bob Clampett, comes from the movie, "It Happened One Night", from a scene where the Clark Gable character is leaning against a fence eating carrots more quickly than he is swallowing (as Bugs would later often do)... This scene was so famous at the time that most people immediately got the connection."

"The line, "What's up, Doc?", was added by director Tex Avery for this short... When this short was screened in theaters, the scene of Bugs calmly chewing a carrot, followed by the nonchalant "What's Up, Doc?", went against any 1940s audience's expectation of how a rabbit might react to a hunter and caused complete pandemonium in the audience, bringing down the house in every theater. Because of the overwhelming reaction, Bugs eats a carrot and utters some version of the phrase in almost every one of his cartoons after that, sometimes entirely out of context as compared to this original use" wikipedia

So... now you know the rest of the story!

That's all folks... Rob; in Vancouver

"Don't take life too seriously.

You'll never get out alive."

Bugs Bunny

The Funny Pages

2009-11-07T00:05:00.000-08:00

Here are a couple of old jokes to bring a smile to your day...

BASEBALL IN HEAVEN...
Two old baseball buddies with lung cancer were chatting on a park bench. Paul says, "I hope they have a baseball team in heaven." "Me too", says Jack. "Tell you what", says Paul, "If I die first, I'll give you a message about whether there is baseball in Heaven. If you die first, you can do the same for me." A year later, Paul is dead and Jack is sitting on the park bench when he hears: "Jack, it's me, Paul. I have great news! Guess what. There really is a baseball team in heaven." "Thank God", sighs Jack, "Now I can die in peace." "I'm glad you feel that way," says Paul, "because you're pitching tomorrow!

A UNIQUE IRISH CELEBRATION...
An Irishman named Mike O'Leary went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Mike in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have a cancer known as Galloping Leukemia and it can't be cured. I give you two weeks to a month." Mike, who was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son, who had been waiting.

Mike said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs, some tears, and more beers.

They were eventually approached by some of Mike's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Mike told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Leary their condolences and they all had a few more beers. After his friends left, Mike's son leaned over and whispered in confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS."

Mike replied, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of those blokes sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
___________________________
Have a great weekend... Rob

"Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage." Erma Bombeck

"What's up Doc?"

2009-11-06T06:07:00.000-08:00

It has been I while since I have posted anything regarding my progress on this journey. It's been two months since I was diagnosed with a "local recurrence" of colon cancer, this time in the sacral/rectal region. It has been 3 weeks since I finshed the 15 rounds of radiation and 2 weeks since I posted on my last visit to the oncologist. Here is an update...

Radiation

The radiation continues to be having a positive effect in terms of both pain relief and recovery of bladder function. This is good because I am now rid of the indwelling catheter that I needed for about 5 weeks! I'm not yet rid of the infection it left in its wake but we're working on that. I am also completely off the morphine that was my constant companion for the same 5 weeks! My understanding is that the radiation continues to work for some weeks after your last treatment.

Radiation Fatigue

This has improved immensely. I went through a couple of weeks where I was overcome with fatigue. There were times when I simply could not stay awake! What's more, I would not feel refreshed or renewed after a 3 hour nap! Not like me at all. A short nap will almost always restore me. This fatigue was even worse than what I experienced earlier with chemo. Fortunately it was short-lived and I am now enjoying very good energy levels.

PET Scan

This is supposed to happen in Alberta. Edmonton I hope. (That way I can slip in a visit with Robyn and other family there!) But I've had no word. So I am waiting patiently...

MRI Scan Results - Liver

In the midst of this I had a regularly scheduled MRI scan of my liver to check for metastacies. This is a 6 month routine for me although it is usually a CT scan. I saw my liver surgeon this week and he is happy to report that things look stable in this area. I was quite concerned before getting the results. I didn't want another "front" to fight right now! This is really good news.

Treatment Plan Emerging

In my last post I mentioned that my original tumour was being tested to see if a certain growth inhibitor might work. Well the results have come back favourable so I should be starting a new medicine soon.

There is a certain protein known as KRAS (also known as V-Ki-ras2 Kirsten rat sarcoma viral oncogene homolog). KRAS functions as a molecular on/off switch, regulating cell growth. KRAS can be either "wild" or "mutated". When "mutated" it can lead to unregulated cell growth and it is thus implicated in many types of cancer including colon cancer. What is important in terms of treatment is that only normal or "wild" type KRAS tumours will respond to a new class of cancer growth inhibitors. My tumour type is KRAS - "wild", which is wildly good news.

The long and short of it is that I will most likely be receiving a cancer growth inhibitor known by the brand name of Erbitux. I don't know if it will be paired with any other chemo medicines or not. I also don't know when I'll start so I am again... waiting patiently.

Other Options

There are a few other options that are beginning to emerge. Some of them are a little further afield both geographically and practically. I am planning to explore some of them but want to get things in place with this next line of chemo first. Once that is done I can begin to make some enquiries about some innovative surgical, radiation, and medicinal possibilities.

I can tell you that discovering and researching these options is a lot of work. In this I am incredibly grateful to my "semicolon" friends in the "online" colon cancer community. Their knowledge, experience, wisdom, compassion and companionship is a blessing to me each day

Restorative Care

I am now on an indefinite period of medical leave. There is some obvious uncertainty about when I will be able to return to work. For now it depends on the length, side-effects, and outcomes of various treatment regimes. I am very grateful for the time off and continued care and support of my church community, especially the wonderful folks at St. Stephen's.

My Outlook

My outlook continues to be good, my "will to live" remains strong; I've got an absolutely awesome medical team who haven't given up on me yet; I continue to be engaged in healing touch, meditation, and prayer; and I am well supported by a wide network of family, friends and colleagues. I remain "hopeful".

That's all folks... Rob; in Vancouver

“Life is short, and we do not have much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel the way with us. So let us be swift to love, and make haste to show kindness.”

Henri Amiel

The Beatles - And I Love Her

2009-11-06T04:00:00.000-08:00

"Montage of some of Hollywood's superstars and most beautiful actresses such as Audrey Hepburn, Katherine Hepburn, Ann Margret, Leslie Caron, Doris Day, Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly, Ingrid Bergman and Lauren Bacall."

How 'bout dem Yankees!

2009-11-05T22:32:00.000-08:00

How nice for the Yankees to win the series in their brand new Yankee Stadium! Pam and I slipped out to a local pub Wednesday evening so we could catch Game 6 action over a burger and a beer. What fun!

Morgan - Robyn - Dad

Kelly - Pam

In the summer of 2005, after my first round with this beast, we made a family trip to the Maritimes, Ontario, New York City, and Cape Cod. The highlight of New York, for me, was the tour of the old Yankee Stadium and the evening game we took in between the Yankees and the Blue Jays. (The highlight for the girls was shopping at Victoria Secret!!)

Behind us in the stands were a wild bunch of young men, drinking copious quantities of "Bud" and becoming increasingly disgusted in the Yankees, who were being trounced by the Jays. Needless to say, their attentions were often drawn to the girls!

Around about the 7th inning stretch I gave one of the young guys my camera and asked him to take a shot. What resulted is probably the very best family picture we have ever had!   The smiles reflect both our delight in being there and the humorous rapport we shared with our inebriated photographer friend!

But really folks... Baseball in November!

Having a ball... Rob; in Vancouver

"I'd like to thank the good Lord

for making me a Yankee."

Joe DiMaggio

"Living Well With Cancer"

2009-11-04T06:00:00.000-08:00

In April 2003, I gathered with an eclectic community of Christians and Sufi Muslims for a workshop under the leadership of American Sufi Shaikh, Kabir Helminski. Kabir is of the Mevlevi Order, a Sufi tradition tracing its roots to the 13th century Persian poet Rumi. During one lecture Kabir shared a short outline of “5 Spiritual Principles to Live By”.

I was struck by the simplicity of the principles and by the commonality they held with other faith traditions, including my own. Helminski’s 5 principles are:

1. Commit to Your Highest Possibility

2. Awaken Attentiveness and Appreciation

3. Cultivate a Spirit of Gratitude

4. Find the Still Point and

5. Radiate Blessing

Since being diagnosed, I have noticed how many cancer survivors have undergone personal transformations in line with these principles. The result is lives lived with a renewed sense of purpose and a richer appreciation for what is important. Many survivors speak of a deeper authenticity and honesty in their relationships and of a gentler pace of life, with more time spent “smelling the roses”.

I've reflected a little on each of these principles and present them here again as a summary. While I can’t do them justice in this short piece, I do hope that what I offer provides a faithful summary of “Helminski’s Principles” and a worthwhile basis for folks to reflect spiritually on “Living Well With Cancer”.

Be well... Rob; in Vancouver

...next: "Commit to Your Highest Possibility"

Commit to Your Highest Possibility

2009-11-04T05:00:00.000-08:00

“I want my will to live to be strong. I want to get as much time out of this as possible. And so I need to work at that with complete focus and dedication and clarity and concentration, and right effort." Treya Killam Wilber

Committing to our highest possibility is about life's purpose and intention. It is to choose LIFE, even in the very imminent face of death itself. It is, for some, “to discover and fulfill their destiny”. It is, for others, “to become who God intended them to be”.

Committing our highest possibility is to live each moment to its fullest. It is to exercise our power of choice towards what is life-giving in the current situation. This universal theme is proclaimed in cultures around the world. The Latin expression Carpe Diem implores us to “seize the day”… for tomorrow we may die. The Japanese have a term, Ichi Nichi, Issho, “one day, one lifetime”, which reminds us to live each day as if our whole life is summed up in it.

I have come to believe that a healthy awareness of the “proximity of death” can lead us to living with a deeper commitment to our highest possibility. Often this means identifying and letting go of the things that are inhibiting us. Too often our lives are clogged and cluttered with the trivial and meaningless. We become limited by “false identities”, we are plagued by fear and anxiety, and we suffer cravings, addictions, and aversions. It’s amazing how quickly we can see and name this stuff for what it is when we become more acutely aware of our mortality. Once we’ve named that which binds us, we can begin the process of relinquishing it and turning towards what gives life.

Sometimes in the cancer journey the highest possibility is directed totally towards our own health and healing. That’s just the way it is. I’ve had to give over huge chunks of my life to coping with surgery and chemo, and to self-care. It has to be recognized that sometimes the "highest possibility" is just getting out for a walk, having a nap, or having a little bite to eat. But sometimes... it is much, much more!

Committing to our highest possibility is a deeply personal matter. It means being true to ourselves in terms of “who we are”, “why we’re here”, and “where we’re going”. It involves discernment in discovering what is important in our lives and how to respond to it. It entails courage and integrity to allow ourselves to be defined by our core values and our "essential self" rather than by the “cookie cutter” identities our culture seeks to impose on us by our roles, occupations, possessions, or physical attributes and deficits.

Living with cancer can help to clarify the vision of our lives, allow us to realize untapped possibilities, free us to live more richly, and to love more deeply… may it be so.

Rob; in Vancouver

“All of us have been dying, hour by hour, since the moment we were born. Realizing this, let all things be placed in their proper perspective… Remember, it is always later than you think. Og Mandino

...next: "Awaken Attentiveness and Appreciation"

Awaken Attentiveness and Appreciation

2009-11-04T04:00:00.000-08:00

When the Buddha started to wander around India shortly after his enlightenment, he encountered several men who recognized him to be a very extraordinary being.
They asked him, "Are you a god?"
"No," he replied.
"Are you a reincarnation of god?"
"No," he replied.
"Are you a wizard, then?" "No."
"Well, are you a man?" "No."
"So what are you?" they asked,
being very perplexed.

"I am awake."

To awaken attentiveness and appreciation is to enter in to the realm of “mindfulness”. It is about being intentionally aware of thoughts and actions in the present moment. It is also about seeing deeply into the nature of things and perceiving and appreciating the connections that exist between all things. I see this happening at an “inner level” as we become more conscious of our mind/body processes, and at an “outer level”, as we develop the “ecological imagination” needed to see our relationship with the environment that surrounds us. These are not separate processes and both are important towards seeing the connections between our mind, body, and the world in which we live and breathe.

Mindfulness figures prominently in new approaches to stress reduction and healing as developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn at the University of Massachussetts Medical Center. The application of mindfulness in stress reduction is well covered in Kabat-Zinn’s book “Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness”. Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as:

“…moment to moment awareness. It is cultivated by purposefully paying attention to things we ordinarily never give a moments thought to. It is a systematic approach to developing new kinds of control and wisdom in our lives, based on our inner capacities for relaxation, paying attention, awareness, and insight.”

Kabat-Zinn describes our usually encumbered minds as often preoccupied with regrets over the past and worry and anxiety over the future. This can be particularly true when we are suffering an illness such as cancer. Our minds become literally flooded with worries, fears, fantasies, and plans related to our diagnosis, treatments, and the possible course of the disease. The result is that we live in a state of unawareness, or un-mindfulness.

“When unawareness dominates the mind, all our decisions and actions are affected by it. Unawareness can keep us from being in touch with our own body, its signals and its messages. This in turn can create many physical problems for us, problems we don’t even know we are generating ourselves. And living in a chronic state of unawareness can cause us to miss much of what is most beautiful and meaningful in our lives.” Jon Kabat-Zinn

Awakening attentiveness and appreciation involves a discipline, or practice, of clearing our minds and bringing our attention to where it is needed, beginning with our breath. Mindfulness meditation, a practice that derives from the Buddhist tradition, is used to develop a deeper and more focused capacity for awareness and attention.

Awakening attentiveness allows us to enter into a deeper level of self awareness about our mind/body, its relationship to the environment, and its healing needs. It also leads us to places of profound awe and wonder as we begin to appreciate anew the incredible miracle of creation and life.

Rob; mostly napping; in Vancouver

“Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn't more complicated that that. It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without either clinging to it or rejecting it.” Sylvia Boorstein

...next: "Cultivate a Spirit of Gratitude"

Cultivate a Spirit of Gratitude

2009-11-04T03:00:00.000-08:00

“Gratitude is not only
the greatest of virtues,

but the parent of all the others.”

Cicero

------------------------

An “attitude of gratitude” emerges naturally when we’ve taken the time to be attentive to, and appreciative of, life’s many gifts and blessings. Even in the midst of illness or trial, the heart responds with gratitude to gifts that embody love and blessing.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” Melody Beattie

---------------------

For me, the practice of gratitude begins with this little lump of clay, my body… this incredible creation of earth, wind, water, and fire! Plagued, scarred, and diseased as it may be, it is still an awesome miracle in all of its mid-life glory!

“Real life isn't always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring acknowledgement of what is working in our lives can help us not only to survive but surmount our difficulties.”

Sara Ban Breathnach

I Give thanks for the gift of this day and for all of the possibility and potential it holds. I give thanks for the incredible blessing of love I have through family and friends and for the generosity and compassion of my church community.

I give thanks for the skill and the knowledge of my doctors, nurses and medical technicians; for the technology that makes cancer more treatable every day; and for a medical system in which access to care isn’t based on an ability to pay! I give thanks for the tears and the laughter that make life bearable even when the challenges of the day seem unbearable.

I give thanks for the patience, the humour, the strength, the wisdom, and the grace that are needed to face this journey afresh each day. In all these things, and so much more, I am richly blessed!

With thanks… Rob; in Vancouver

“A sacred illness is one that educates us and alters us from the inside out, provides experiences and therefore knowledge that we could not possibly achieve in any other way, and aligns us with a life path that is, ultimately, of benefit to ourselves and those around us.”

Deena Metzger

...next: "Find the Still Point"

Find the Still Point

2009-11-04T02:00:00.000-08:00

"Come and find the quiet center
in the crowded life we lead,
find the room for hope to enter,
find the frame where we are freed:
clear the chaos and the clutter,
clear our eyes, that we can see
all the things that really matter,
be at peace, and simply be."
Shirley Erena Murray

Our body and soul need times of quiet and rest to be whole and healthy. If this is true in our times of health… how much more so in times of healing and recovery! Finding the still point is about finding those quiet moments and places of stillness where we can regain a sense of equilibrium and help to create conditions more favourable to healing.

“Discontent creates a flurry of distraction in the mind. Worry, anxiety, doubt are just a few of the conflicting emotions that arise to erode my self-confidence. Focusing upon what is true offers me the opportunity to change my circumstances.” Sylvia Boorstein

Cancer came into my life with all manner of tyranny! Physical pain and bodily dysfunction; endless tests, scans, and appointments; relentless treatment schedules and debilitating side-effects; and a never-ending treadmill of anxious emotions and thoughts put cancer in the swirling center of a life that no longer seemed my own. Finding the “still point” in this vortex of crisis has been, and remains, an ongoing challenge.

“In the sweet territory of silence we touch the mystery. It's the place of reflection and contemplation, and it's the place where we can connect with the deep knowing, to the deep wisdom way.” Angeles Arrien

It is in times like this that I really appreciate the gifts that my faith tradition has provided. Particularly in its emphasis on Sabbath rest and in the many traditions it offers in the way of prayer and contemplation. Activities which have helped me to find the “still point”, time and time again, have included prayer and meditation, tai chi, healing touch, worship, long walks in the forest and along the seashore, reading and journaling, playing the guitar, and listening to music. I’ve enjoyed these activities both in solitude and in the company of friends and mentors.

Finding the “still point” grounds me in the landscape of God’s living presence and reminds me that all shall be well. Yah…

Deep peace to you... Rob

"There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden, or even your bathtub." Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

... next: "Radiate Blessing"

Radiate Blessing

2009-11-04T01:00:00.000-08:00

“Blessing is a relationship between equals. When you bless others— you realize that your life matters. The people you bless can make you immortal."

Rachel Naomi Remen

---------------------

Blessing has to do with the richness and abundance of life. To be blessed is to be “full of life” in all of its wonder and grace. To bless another is to enrich their lives with gifts of goodness, truth, or beauty. The call to “radiate blessing” is a summons to let our gratitude spill over into generosity. Radiating our blessing may take the form of compassionate action or service towards another. It may be a sharing of knowledge, experience or wisdom. Or it could be a joining with others in seeking peace, justice or healing.

Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen is a leader in the realm of “integrative medicine” and author of “Kitchen Table Wisdom” and “My Grandfather’s Blessing” http://www.rachelremen.com/. Her thoughts on “blessing” are some of the most inspiring I’ve read. A sampling…

“A woman once told me that she did not feel the need to reach out to those around her because she prayed every day. Surely, this was enough. But a prayer is about our relationship to God; a blessing is about our relationship to the spark of God in one another. God may not need our attention as badly as the person next to us on the bus or behind us in line in the supermarket. Everyone in the world matters, and so do their blessings. When we bless others, we offer them refuge from an indifferent world.”

"We bless the life around us far more than we realize. Many simple, ordinary things that we do can affect those around us in profound ways: the unexpected phone call, the brief touch, the willingness to listen generously, the warm smile or wink of recognition. All it may take to restore someone's trust in life may be returning a lost earring or a dropped glove."

So there you have it. "Commit to the highest possibility"; "awaken attentiveness and appreciation"; "cultivate a spirit of gratitude"; "find the still point"; and "radiate blessing". Living fully, with or without cancer, is as simple, and as difficult, as that!

Peace and Blessings… Rob; in Vancouver

"I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to a fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again." Stephen Grellet

Rumi Quotes

2009-11-04T00:30:00.000-08:00

The Wayfinders - Wade Davis

2009-11-02T06:41:00.000-08:00

This year's CBC Massey Lectures were given by cultural anthropologist Wade Davis. His theme, "The Wayinders: Why Ancient Wisdom Matters in the Modern World", is a complelling look at the importance of traditional wisdom and an affirmation of the world's ancient traditional cultures. He draws his title from the incredible skill and knowledge used by the ancient Polynesian "Wayfinders" as they sailed thousands of miles on the open ocean from island to island.

Wade, a Canadian, is the "Explorer in Residence" at the National Geographic Society. His earlier work includes "The Serpent and the Rainbow" which some may recall from a movie made of it in the eighties. He spends much of his time in Northwestern BC and is familiar with the various First Nation communities we lived amongst there.

The Massey Lectures will be broadcast on CBC Ideas this week beginning tonight at 9pm. Details and schedule here... "The Wayfinders"

I'm well into the book that has been made from the lectures and am finding it very intersting. I hope you can find a way to listen to even one or two of the lectures. They are worthwhile.

Be well... Rob; in Vancouver

“Every language is an old-growth forest of the mind, a watershed of thought, an ecosystem of spiritual possibilities.” Wade Davis

Do - Re - Me

2009-11-02T06:17:00.000-08:00

With over 12 million hits on Youtube it is unlikely that this is new to you. But I'm sure you will enjoy it again anyways. Gotta Dance!

Francis of Asissi

2009-11-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

Lord…
make me a channel of Your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master…
grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born
to Eternal Life. Amen.

Saint Francis of Assisi is one of those timeless saints who has transcended the particulars of his tradition. Though rooted in the Roman Catholic tradition his message and power is more truly universal, being neither bound nor owned by any single faith group. Rooted and grounded in the Spirit which unites all people, and tempered by the common experience of human suffering, Francis offers wisdom, hope, and inspiration to people in many different times and places. The life of Saint Francis is an embodiment of humility, simplicity, and compassion. He lived with a deep respect for creation, a comittement to non-violence, and gave generously of himself in a ministry of healing and reconciliation.
A Franciscan Blessing...
May God bless us with discomfort…
at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
so that we may live deep within our hearts.

May God bless us with anger…
at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
so that we may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless us with tears…
to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war,
so that we may reach out our hands to comfort them and turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless us with enough foolishness…
to believe that we can make a difference in this world,
so that we can do what others claim cannot be done.
Peace and blessings... Rob

“Where there is charity and wisdom, there is neither fear nor ignorance. Where there is patience and humility, there is neither anger nor vexation. Where there is poverty and joy, there is neither greed nor avarice. Where there is peace and meditation, there is neither anxiety nor doubt.” Francis of Assisi

Make Me an Instrument

2009-11-01T04:00:00.000-08:00

The Great Pumpkin!

2009-10-31T06:30:00.000-07:00

Another Halloween Treat!

Pumpkins and Munchkins! 1988

2009-10-31T05:05:00.000-07:00

Kelly - Morgan - Robyn

Halloween 1988 - Queen Charlotte Islands

A Halloween Thriller!

2009-10-30T07:01:00.000-07:00

Monster Mash

2009-10-30T01:40:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween!

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What a blast... Thanks Beth for the link!